The NYC school system: a bastion aginst dissent

Dear George,

Doesn’t it just twuddle your toenails when rebellion is crushed the second it appears. Well, hitch your britches up and sit down while I tell you of an inspiring tale that came out of New York City’s South Bronx.

Democracy needs discipline and order to function. Nothing undermines the democratic process like rebellious acts, which are the first step down the slippery slope to a full-scale revolution. Taking the point position in our fight against dissention and disorder is the New York City Board of Education (NYCBOE). It is they who take the children of immigrants and turn them into well-behaved proles who know how to keep their mouths shut.

Immigrants are a destabilizing force. They arrive on our shores with silly ideas and funny customs. Especially dangerous are Hispanic immigrants, all of whom have been tainted by the leftist thought that is endemic to that society.

As you are well aware, education in the United States has but one goal--test the little buggers 'til their brains turn to mush. Chronic testing yields two possible outcomes: either it turns student off learning altogether, or it produces an adult who is a walking encyclopedia of disparate and discrete bits of data that he is unable to synthesize into anything that resembles an original thought. Both outcomes insure a stable society.

I am happy to tell you that the NYCBOE has uncovered a teacher who was trying to subvert this entire system. His name is Douglas Avella. (You will note that his surname is Hispanic. Need I say more?)

Avella is charged with encouraging the entire eighth grade class at a Bronx middle school to stage a peaceful boycott of a three-hour practice exam, which they did. On top of that, the students had the temerity to present a petition to the administration with a list of grievances. Naturally, Avella denies the charge.

It seems the little darlings feel this chronic testing causes them to “lose valuable instructional time with our teachers.”

Well, Principal Maria Lopez wasted no time crushing this outburst. The first thing she did was to yank Avella from the classroom and reassign him to an empty room where the only creatures he can subvert are the cockroaches and rats.

Next, she assembled the entire eighth grade class, mind you not to hash out their grievances, but to find out who was behind the conspiracy. The children must learn that our schools don't educate, they indoctrinate.

Then she issued a letter of reprimand to Avella accusing him of taking “actions [that] caused a riot at the school.” It is a sure sign that we are in a golden age of democracy when a peaceful boycott is redefined as a riot. Had the South employed this strategy during the Birmingham bus boycott, the civil rights movement never would have happened.

Avella signed his death warrant when he made the mistake of saying, “My students know they are welcome in my class to have open discussions. I teach them critical thinking.”

NYCBOE spokesman David Cantor shot right back. “This guy was far over the line in a lot of ways. He was pulled because he was inappropriate with the kids. He was giving them messages [i.e. think critically] that were inappropriate.”

The Belgian songwriter Jacques Brel penned some lyrics that summarize the American school system. You will note that I have suggested a few substitions that purge the lyrics of their francophillic leftism.

It’s the tango of the ages
Little heads bent over pages
In a ring like little sages
Learning Latin[1] by the hour
Drowning dreams with information
‘Till you learn by graduation
It’s you duty to be sour
It’s the dance the priests[2] will lead you
It’s the homilies they will feed you
For the future that will need you
In its endless dance of power.


Tr. © Arnold Johnston, Western Michigan University


Thanks to the quick actions of the NYCBOE, America remains secure and safe. God bless ‘em all, I say

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones


[1] Substitute “Test Taking”
[2] Substitute “Media”

The two are one and shall reign forever and ever.

Dear George,

Evil grounded in passion will eventually exhaust itself. Evil grounded in the intellect continues indefinitely along the linear path of its ideology.

Passion hears the screams of the dying; intellect hears only the hum of an office air conditioner.

The linear evil that goes on and on, driven by its own momentum, is overseen by somber men who grew up in houses with darkened windows in which a smile was considered an inappropriate display of emotion, and anything less than perfection was punished.

Theirs is a sterile evil whose driving force is a fastidious need for perfect order, an order that will tolerate only the straight line and perfect symmetry. It speaks in hushed and measured tones that ooze with sweet reason.

Soldiers say shit rolls downhill. When a somber man raises his eyebrow, thousands die. Their toughness is a toughness nurtured in the hothouse of a bubble that shields them from the real world, making it possible the creation of the virtual world in which their evil flourishes.

They sit in offices bathed in fluorescent lights that cast no shadows, transfixed by the numbers and words dancing across their computer screens, numbers and words that are, for them, the world.

They are our modern-day priests who have restored human sacrifice to its former glory. Where once torn flesh was offered up to the gods, it is how offered up to Mammon, whose appetite is insatiable.

They are practitioners of a new theology that blends God and Mammon. In their eyes there is no difference between the two because John Calvin has told them they are among the blessed, so they believe themselves incapable of committing evil.

They are our Lords and Masters who are leading us into the Valley of Death in which we need fear no evil for their spreadsheets and power points protect us.

Let us continue to offer up burnt offerings that they may grow and prosper.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

Wads of Money and Fires of Dung

Dear George,

The only noble death is the death that leaves a wasteland in its wake. (It is my fervent wish that when my carcass is in the ground, the grass above it will rot, its roots will turn to muck and the nutrients will flee the soil, leaving only a sterile mound of sand to mark my demise.)

I think often of death, especially when I meditate on your greatness.

I look forward to the day when we have finished trashing the earth, when all that remains of our forests are sterile fields of mud, when monoculture leaves the world’s top soil blowing in the wind and when the world’s water tables have been drained to produce designer bottled water for the upwardly mobile.

Your legacy will be the sand and mud of creation from which all life has vanished. It will be a world in which emaciated creatures stumble aimlessly about looking for whatever scraps of food remain.

You have set into motion the birth of a democratic world in which the rich and the poor, the just and the unjust are equally wretched. It will mark the return to a golden past in which the struggle for survival will wean out the weak and give all honor and glory to the strong and the brutal.

Life will be an economic utopia in which money will be used as kindling to start fires of dried dung and the outcome of all transactions will be determined by who wields the biggest club.

It will be the era of the natural man, who is one with nature as he competes with the animals for the few roots and berries that remain and experiences the challenge of gnawing on rotted carcasses. We will see the emergence of a new man, created from genes reconstituted by the radioactive dust that will enrich the air for generations to come.

Death is sweet. Its embrace melts our petty problems and puts them into proper perspective. Best of all, death is one hell of a profit center as we turn out its instrument of destruction and accumulate the wads of money that one day will insure that the rich will have bigger fires than the poor.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

Flying High on Wings of Feathers and Wax

Dear George,

Isn’t it a gas to live in a world of sociopathic sanity? The bubble that is the Beltway isn’t our nation’s capital, it’s a sheltered workshop that gives individuals, who would otherwise be committed. a chance to live normal and productive lives.

Those who would denigrate sociopathic sanity forget that this disorder is the linchpin of our economic prosperity. The Beltway has but one function, and that is to produce a constant feedback loop of chaos and destruction.

Our economy is a bubble machine that thrives only when a new bubble appears the moment an old bubble pops. Often, the economy goes into a nosedive while waiting for a new bubble to appear. It is then that the Beltway turns to that old standby, the War Bubble to keep things from spinning out of control. Every time capitalism crashes it looks for a war to bail itself out.

The depression of 1893 catapulted us into the Spanish-American War. Both that war and World War I silenced a rising populist rebellion over the abuses of the Industrial Revolution and the rank corruption found at all levels of government. Needless to say, World War II pulled us out of the Great Depression, and that was when we discovered that there was gold to be had in the creation of a garrison state.

One of the characteristics of sociopathic sanity is its self-destructive behavior. As the twentieth century drew to a close, we, in our wisdom, gutted our industrial plant and discovered the adrenalin rush of finance capitalism. So it was that we stumbled into the twenty-first century with bubble after bubble popping.

We are now facing an historical milestone when it appears that capitalism has run out of bubbles. This means that it is time to inflate a permanent War Bubble that must be kept in place until the whole structure comes crashing down around our ears.

For the sociopathic sane, a glorious fall is the ultimate rush. Their inspiration is the Greek myth of Icarus who, with his father, took to the sky with wings of feathers and wax attached to their arms. Who does the world remember, George? It remembers Icarus who flew so close to the sun that the wax melted causing him to plunge into the sea.

Who in the fuck remembers his father, Daedalus, who landed safely?

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

Keeping America Safe from Democracy

Dear George,

Forget the delegate count, forget the won primaries, and forget the popular vote. The Lords of America ain’t going to allow Obama to step one foot into the “White” House.

Did you see that freaking picture of his rally in Portland, OR that drew 85,000 people? That’s a mob ready to spin out of control!

The orderly functioning of our monocratic Corporatist State rests on a firm foundation of public apathy. Apathy yields lassitude and lassitude yields the ennui that doesn’t give a shit.

Boredom, George, is the key to “soft” authoritarianism.

As one commentator put it, “Another elite tactic of managed democracy (a code word for monocracy) is to bore the electorate to such an extent that it gradually fails to pay any attention to politics. One method of assuring control is to make electioneering continuous, year-round, saturated with party propaganda, punctuated with the wisdom of kept pundits, bringing a result boring rather than energizing, the kind of civic lassitude on which managed democracy (monocracy) thrives (Emphasis mine).

A bored public sleeps as its freedom and prosperity are slowly leeched off.

The problem with Obama is that he is stirring up the mob. He’s getting them excited and agitated. The worst part is that he’s getting them involved.

It makes no difference how deeply he is stuffed into the corporate back pocket. Once the mob is turned on, he will be forced onto a reformist path and God knows what sort of damage he could inflict on the well- greased machinery of our free, democratic society.

I know your hopes were that HillBill would get the nomination, which would increase the chances of McCain taking the election. But the sad truth is that if Obama takes the nomination, McCain won’t stand a chance. America is a youth culture in which age is divorced from wisdom. In such a culture, dynamic youth trumps the old fart every time.

Nothing less than the future of our free, democratic monocracy is at stake. It is time to policify the big policy. As soon as Obama goes over the top, hit Iran with everything you’ve got. It will be a total disaster for America, but a disaster is exactly what you need to declare martial law.

But, don’t suspend the election yet. A rousing war works to McCain’s advantage. If he wins the election, your legacy in insured, and we continue to maintain the illusion that we are a democratic republic. If Obama wins, then you nullify the election, which you can do as our commander in chief.

Because of the way Obama has stirred up the mob, imposing martial law will be a more of a challenge than it should be. But with our militarized police force and Northcom firmly in place, the proles will be whipped into compliance in no time.

You have accomplished too much in the last seven years to allow it all to go down the drain just because the American people suddenly want to play democracy. The Big Dick explained the new world order with a single word. When a pundit pointed out to him that the majority of the America people were opposed to the Iraq enterprise, he shot back, “So?”

We are, indeed, entering a golden age.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

Setting the Middle East Straight

Dear George,

I was thrilled when you gave those wogs what-for in a speech, Sunday, at the World Economic Forum on the Middle East at Sharm El Sheikh. Enough is enough, I say, and it’s time they got with the program.

Your requirements are very simple. All you want is free trade, lower taxes and protection for intellecutal property rights.

Of course, you know and I know that these are code words that point to a deeper meaning. Basically, you’re telling them that it’s time to lose their silly robes and don some God-fearing western-style suits, complete with American flag lapel pins. If English is the world’s lingua franca, then the Brooks Brothers suit is the world’s factio franca.

Then you set them straight on what constitutes the proper political process it when you said, “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted on one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” Your message was that they should be like us, with one leader in power and the opposition marginalized, along with the legislative and judicial branches of government.

What you want to see is more free elections like the one in Palestine that brought Hamas to power. Our failure to recognize those election results has everything to do with promoting democracy. All we want is more and more democracy until the Palestinians elect some acceptable suits that behave like we do.

You displayed you usual bluntness when you insisted that those individuals who are fighting foreign occupiers of their lands be branded as “terrorists. “ (Of course, whenever make this statement you cleverly elide over the fact that by your definition, the brave Minutemen who fought in the American Revolution would be branded terrorists in today’s world.)

You have let the world know that you are on a mission from God to bring peace and freedom to the Middle East, no matter how many villages you have to destroy. Freedom demands sacrifice and dead bodies. And it is through sacrifice and suffering that the people of the Middle East will, one day, find Jesus and become world-class mallrats.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

Spin Goes to War

Dear George,

The modern imperial war is an exercise in public relations. In truth, imperial conquest is all about controlling resources and expanding markets. This truth must be kept from the masses.

Spin is our ultimate weapon.

The brutal face of war must be slathered with layers of Manichean makeup until it glows with virtue. War is not a power grab to corner a given resource; it is part of a clash of civilizations we must fight to preserve our values.

Values are important to America because she has none. The more “value” is leeched out of the drones’ lives, and the more they are reduced to commodities, the more they are ready to cling to the make-believe values that justify our multiple wars.

Resource wars must become value wars. The spin must say that America isn’t desperate for oil; she is a militant missionary bringing freedom, corporatism and toys to the backward savages of the world, who want to destroy us because we are a free and prosperous people.

You also need labels, George, scads and scads of labels. Labels shield us from reality and bathe our basest instincts in the gentle light righteousness. “The Age of Terror” is a real keeper. Instead of aggressors, we are innocent victims of madmen who would destroy the American Way (another empty label). To preserve our innocence we are forced to send forth the Soldiers of Christ to smite the heathen. We don’t fight human beings with families and aspirations; we fight crazed terrorists who crave wanton destruction.

Bottom line: War is bullshit, and victory goes to he who can shovel the biggest load. This is what makes you such a brilliant commander-in-chief.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones