My Dear Barack,
I think you’re ready.
No, I’m not talking about assuming the presidency; I’m talking about something even bigger!
You’ve shown that you have the mettle to survive a pointless two-year presidential campaign in which nothing of importance was debated. I’m now ready to impart to you something I should have imparted to your predecessor but didn’t, which explains why the world and the country are as screwed up as they are.
I am speaking of nothing less than the key to understanding the universe and the secret of life. In short, I am going to give you a formula that explains everything.
And, here it is:
7 x 7 = 51
That’s it in a nutshell, Barack. That is why we are plagued with war, famine, pestilence, plagues and McDonald Chicken Nuggets®. That is why the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are constantly tearing up our front yards.
Everything is off by 2.
(Let me go on record as saying that I thought of this first! Tragically, an author by the name of Douglas Adams stole the secret whilst I was stoned and used a variation of it in his book, A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe, or maybe he used the whole thing, or part of it, or who really gives a fuck? But, that’s the story of my life. Every time I uncover the secret of the universe, I’m too stoned to remember it and some son of a bitch steals it from me.)
So please, please, please classify this formula as top secret and only share it with your inner circle. What it explains is that no matter what you do, it will end up poorly because it’s off by 2, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Now, you’ll know why.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Little Dingleberries of Wisdom
My Dear Barack,
I have thrown together some disparate items to add to your leadership toolbox. These little bits will insure that you continue your predecessor’s tradition of aiming the ship of state for the nearest shoal of rocks.
Have you wondered why Congress was so quick to provide a $700 billion bailout for the financial industry, yet is dragging its feet over a bailout for the auto industry? The reason is quite simple.
Cyril Northcote Parkinson did more than posit Parkinson’s Law, which states that work expands to fill the time available for its consumption, along with its corollary that bureaucracies expand regardless of utility or need.
He also gave the example of a board of directors faced with two decisions: the building of a multimillion dollar dam, and the purchase of a $29.95 coffee machine. According to Parkinson, the decision on the dam will be made in minutes, while the decision on the coffee machine will involve hours of debate. The reason is simple: nobody knows a damn thing about dams, but everyone is an expert on making coffee.
To comment on what you know nothing about is to display your ignorance. Hence, it is much better to nod knowingly and approve it since voting against it would require an explanation, and it’s hard to explain what you don’t understand in the first place.
Congress was asked to bail out a financial industry even financial experts don’t understand. So it approved it. Unfortunately for General Motors, everyone understands cars, so its request was doomed to fail.
Moving on to another subject, you greatest gift as a leader is your legerdemainic rhetoric. Your gift of gab will easily convince the public that, even in the depths of despair, there is hope even though they haven’t got a prayer.
And one final point: Efficient leadership demands a sociopathic belief in charts, diagrams, spreadsheets, and graphs until what are simply reflections of reality become reality itself. You must surround yourself with syncopphants who believe that these items create reality, i.e. that by arcing the line on a graph upwards, one creates growth in the real world. In effect, you create a parallel universe that shelters you from the real one. This is especially important since your greatest challenge will be the preservation of a corporate capitalism that has outlived its usefulness and is simply too profitable to scrap. You’ve got to keep the dinosaur on life support.
Remember these, and history will remember you with the same affection it remembers your predecessor.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
I have thrown together some disparate items to add to your leadership toolbox. These little bits will insure that you continue your predecessor’s tradition of aiming the ship of state for the nearest shoal of rocks.
Have you wondered why Congress was so quick to provide a $700 billion bailout for the financial industry, yet is dragging its feet over a bailout for the auto industry? The reason is quite simple.
Cyril Northcote Parkinson did more than posit Parkinson’s Law, which states that work expands to fill the time available for its consumption, along with its corollary that bureaucracies expand regardless of utility or need.
He also gave the example of a board of directors faced with two decisions: the building of a multimillion dollar dam, and the purchase of a $29.95 coffee machine. According to Parkinson, the decision on the dam will be made in minutes, while the decision on the coffee machine will involve hours of debate. The reason is simple: nobody knows a damn thing about dams, but everyone is an expert on making coffee.
To comment on what you know nothing about is to display your ignorance. Hence, it is much better to nod knowingly and approve it since voting against it would require an explanation, and it’s hard to explain what you don’t understand in the first place.
Congress was asked to bail out a financial industry even financial experts don’t understand. So it approved it. Unfortunately for General Motors, everyone understands cars, so its request was doomed to fail.
Moving on to another subject, you greatest gift as a leader is your legerdemainic rhetoric. Your gift of gab will easily convince the public that, even in the depths of despair, there is hope even though they haven’t got a prayer.
And one final point: Efficient leadership demands a sociopathic belief in charts, diagrams, spreadsheets, and graphs until what are simply reflections of reality become reality itself. You must surround yourself with syncopphants who believe that these items create reality, i.e. that by arcing the line on a graph upwards, one creates growth in the real world. In effect, you create a parallel universe that shelters you from the real one. This is especially important since your greatest challenge will be the preservation of a corporate capitalism that has outlived its usefulness and is simply too profitable to scrap. You’ve got to keep the dinosaur on life support.
Remember these, and history will remember you with the same affection it remembers your predecessor.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Friday, November 21, 2008
Let 'em go!
My Dear Barack,
Listen to how they piss and moan! Their wails and lamentations reach Heaven as they beg Congress to bail out the big three automakers. General Motors, once the flagship of American industry, is months away from folding.
One writer estimates that if the big three go under, the unemployment rolls will swell by three million souls.
Those who beg for a bailout fail to grasp the Big Picture. Of the three million thrown out of work, a majority would be union members earning a bloated wage and enjoying outlandish benefits. The savings would be gargantuan.
Then there’s the even bigger picture: Our kleptrocracy decided decades ago that there was more money to be made by gutting America’s manufacturing base than by encouraging it. The Big Three are the last of this breed. Once they fold, our real economy will become a true subset of our faux finance economy.
When this day arrives, there will be no more grimy factories belching their toxic smoke into the atmosphere with their deafening din of production pounding on the ears of the drones who work the assemble line. There will only be broad expanses of monochromatic cubicles, shadowless beneath their florescence lights where all sound is muted and all contact blocked by fabric walls as the threat of job loss keeps the drones bent over their keyboards, afraid of losing a keystroke lest the wrath of a supervisor descend upon them.
Outside, the starving masses will scavenge the piles of trash that only a throw-away society can build, looking for scraps of food that can be eaten or shards of metal that can be sold. Obesity will cease to be a health issue, and Social Security will be saved when life expectancy plunges as the proles learn all about third-world poverty.
So, let the Big Three go, Barack. Out of the suffering will emerge a stronger America
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Listen to how they piss and moan! Their wails and lamentations reach Heaven as they beg Congress to bail out the big three automakers. General Motors, once the flagship of American industry, is months away from folding.
One writer estimates that if the big three go under, the unemployment rolls will swell by three million souls.
Those who beg for a bailout fail to grasp the Big Picture. Of the three million thrown out of work, a majority would be union members earning a bloated wage and enjoying outlandish benefits. The savings would be gargantuan.
Then there’s the even bigger picture: Our kleptrocracy decided decades ago that there was more money to be made by gutting America’s manufacturing base than by encouraging it. The Big Three are the last of this breed. Once they fold, our real economy will become a true subset of our faux finance economy.
When this day arrives, there will be no more grimy factories belching their toxic smoke into the atmosphere with their deafening din of production pounding on the ears of the drones who work the assemble line. There will only be broad expanses of monochromatic cubicles, shadowless beneath their florescence lights where all sound is muted and all contact blocked by fabric walls as the threat of job loss keeps the drones bent over their keyboards, afraid of losing a keystroke lest the wrath of a supervisor descend upon them.
Outside, the starving masses will scavenge the piles of trash that only a throw-away society can build, looking for scraps of food that can be eaten or shards of metal that can be sold. Obesity will cease to be a health issue, and Social Security will be saved when life expectancy plunges as the proles learn all about third-world poverty.
So, let the Big Three go, Barack. Out of the suffering will emerge a stronger America
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Thursday, November 20, 2008
God bless Sam
My Dear Barack,
Let this be an object lesson for you: In 1914, Henry Ford shocked the capitalist world by paying his workers the unheard of sum of $5 a day and reducing the workday from nine to eight hours.
At the time, Ford’s logic was sound. He paid his workers enough so they could afford the cars they were producing, and an eight hour day allowed him to run three shifts instead of two.
Unfortunately, this opened the door for a prolonged period of wage abuse by workers and unions until it peaked with auto workers receiving an obscene annual salary of $67,480.
What followed was an example of the dialectic of success. When workers were being paid peanuts, the union movement was tough and militant. Eventually, wages increased to the point that the working class was able to join the middleclass. Once that happened, the unions went soft and lost their militancy. The upshot was that in 1980, the blue collar demographic helped vote Ronnie into office, and he immediately began a process of union destruction.
But, the true hero of this saga is Sam Walton. As his empire grew, he started putting pressure on his suppliers to slash their prices. The pressure was so intense that manufacturers had no choice but to ship their operations overseas where they found a large pool of exploitable labor.
As factories became deserted, high-paid workers lost their jobs and ended up flipping burgers or pumping gas, neither of which paid well. Middleclass workers once again became working class, but without the union militancy to stir things up.
As savings were exhausted and plastic maxed out, the only place they would afford to shop was Wal-Mart. Thus Wal-Mart was able to invert Ford’s formula by depressing wages until the working class was forced to shop at the big-box stores that were the cause of their ruin in the first place.
The bottom line here, Barack, is that Providence intended that all societies be two-tiered, with the elite on top and the masses on the bottom. Henry Ford unwittingly unleashed a demon when he started paying his workers a living wage, and that demon was a middleclass that was constantly destabilizing the proper order of society. It was this middleclass that was responsible for the progressive movement, the New Deal, and the chaos of the sixties.
Sam Walton deserves the Medal of Freedom for firing the first shot against this wage abuse. We are on the cusp of destroying this troublesome class, and the process of sucking America’s wealth back up to the top of the pyramid where it belongs is nearing completion as our economy melts down.
We have transitioned from production capitalism to finance capitalism with the emergence of a shadow banking system that is successfully looting the nation’s treasury.
Our kleptrocracy is counting on you to finish what Sam began.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Let this be an object lesson for you: In 1914, Henry Ford shocked the capitalist world by paying his workers the unheard of sum of $5 a day and reducing the workday from nine to eight hours.
At the time, Ford’s logic was sound. He paid his workers enough so they could afford the cars they were producing, and an eight hour day allowed him to run three shifts instead of two.
Unfortunately, this opened the door for a prolonged period of wage abuse by workers and unions until it peaked with auto workers receiving an obscene annual salary of $67,480.
What followed was an example of the dialectic of success. When workers were being paid peanuts, the union movement was tough and militant. Eventually, wages increased to the point that the working class was able to join the middleclass. Once that happened, the unions went soft and lost their militancy. The upshot was that in 1980, the blue collar demographic helped vote Ronnie into office, and he immediately began a process of union destruction.
But, the true hero of this saga is Sam Walton. As his empire grew, he started putting pressure on his suppliers to slash their prices. The pressure was so intense that manufacturers had no choice but to ship their operations overseas where they found a large pool of exploitable labor.
As factories became deserted, high-paid workers lost their jobs and ended up flipping burgers or pumping gas, neither of which paid well. Middleclass workers once again became working class, but without the union militancy to stir things up.
As savings were exhausted and plastic maxed out, the only place they would afford to shop was Wal-Mart. Thus Wal-Mart was able to invert Ford’s formula by depressing wages until the working class was forced to shop at the big-box stores that were the cause of their ruin in the first place.
The bottom line here, Barack, is that Providence intended that all societies be two-tiered, with the elite on top and the masses on the bottom. Henry Ford unwittingly unleashed a demon when he started paying his workers a living wage, and that demon was a middleclass that was constantly destabilizing the proper order of society. It was this middleclass that was responsible for the progressive movement, the New Deal, and the chaos of the sixties.
Sam Walton deserves the Medal of Freedom for firing the first shot against this wage abuse. We are on the cusp of destroying this troublesome class, and the process of sucking America’s wealth back up to the top of the pyramid where it belongs is nearing completion as our economy melts down.
We have transitioned from production capitalism to finance capitalism with the emergence of a shadow banking system that is successfully looting the nation’s treasury.
Our kleptrocracy is counting on you to finish what Sam began.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Embalming the Corpse
Dear Barack,
One of the things going for you when you take power is that, within the Beltway, politics is a dying art, and you are twisting the knife in the carcass with your “nonpartisan” approach.
This is good, because without politics, democracy is dead. Divisiveness is the life blood of democracy, and nonpartisanship is the embalming fluid that forces this blood out of the system.
One writer cites the dust-up over the proposed bailout of the Big Three automakers as an example of this demise. The Democrats want a bailout; the Republicans are opposed to it. Now, if the Big Three fold, the effect on working and middle class America would be devastating.
Even a third rate politician would recognize that the Democrats could score many points by forcing the Republicans to vote against a bill that would bailout workers after they voted a bailout for Wall Street’s financial retards.
However, this would require the Democrats to take a stand, which is something they are loathe to do since it might offend their Wall Street handlers.
Consequently, nothing will be done because to do something would require discussion and debate, and discussion and debate are simply too democratic for Democratic tastes.
The Republicans turned politics into a game of hardball; you are turning it into a group grope. Regardless of the approach we will soon see the messiness of politics reduced to the sterile efficiency of unitary rule.
May the God of privilege and wealth bless your endeavors.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
One of the things going for you when you take power is that, within the Beltway, politics is a dying art, and you are twisting the knife in the carcass with your “nonpartisan” approach.
This is good, because without politics, democracy is dead. Divisiveness is the life blood of democracy, and nonpartisanship is the embalming fluid that forces this blood out of the system.
One writer cites the dust-up over the proposed bailout of the Big Three automakers as an example of this demise. The Democrats want a bailout; the Republicans are opposed to it. Now, if the Big Three fold, the effect on working and middle class America would be devastating.
Even a third rate politician would recognize that the Democrats could score many points by forcing the Republicans to vote against a bill that would bailout workers after they voted a bailout for Wall Street’s financial retards.
However, this would require the Democrats to take a stand, which is something they are loathe to do since it might offend their Wall Street handlers.
Consequently, nothing will be done because to do something would require discussion and debate, and discussion and debate are simply too democratic for Democratic tastes.
The Republicans turned politics into a game of hardball; you are turning it into a group grope. Regardless of the approach we will soon see the messiness of politics reduced to the sterile efficiency of unitary rule.
May the God of privilege and wealth bless your endeavors.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Rugged Individualism and Social Control
My Dear Barack,
In 63 days you will become the most powerful man in the world. It is my hope that these letters will help make you the world’s biggest badass, because it takes a badass to run an empire. Touchy-feely doesn’t cut it when you’re bombing wedding parties. Being in power means never having to say, “I’m sorry.”
So, let’s talk domestic. In your leadership role, you will have many missions. One of them will be the prevention, discouragement and, if necessary, suppression of mass movements. They are dangerous and destabilizing. The only movement the wise leader allows is the one that is flushed down the toilet.
The civil rights and peace movements of the 60s shook the establishment to the core, and the last forty years have been devoted to cleaning up the mess those movements left in their wake.
Fortunately, America is less predisposed to mass movements than other cultures. This is thanks, in large part, to the great American Myth of the Rugged Individual. It is a study in irony, for the more an person buys into this myth, the more susceptible he becomes to social control. A belief in individualism is an effective antidote to the class and community solidarity that is necessary for an effective mass movement.
The instrument that makes this atomized individualism possible is the screen, be it a movie, television or computer screen. The quintessential icon of this atomization is the lone cowboy riding into the sunset after he has single handedly righted all wrongs. Of course, just over the horizon are waiting his agent, his accountant, his business manager, his hair stylist, his wardrobe consultant, his press agent and his personal trainer.
An atomized society is especially important as we enter the age of economic self-destruction. The reason the Great Depression gave birth to the horrors of the New Deal was too many collectives. The unions were strong, as were the Socialists and the Communists. The public was spending too much time in meeting halls and not enough time in movie theaters.
Thank God things are different. The unions have been neutered and most homes have a screen of one kind or another in every room.
So, continue to preach individualism and personal responsibility and you may rest assured that no movement will arise to sully your administration as it continues to serve America’s kleptocrats.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Monday, November 17, 2008
Posturing and Inaction
Dear Barack,
Some are criticizing this weekend’s G20 economic summit for taking the decisive action of no action in the face of a crumbling world economy. Many see this as an example of the classic bureaucratic ploy of asking for further study of a collapsing structure even as the air is thick with the dust of falling ceilings and buckling walls.
The high point of the summit was when your predecessor took a principled stand against a regulated free market by arguing that, “The crisis was not a failure of the free market system…It would be a terrible mistake to allow a few months of crisis to undermine 60 years of success.”
Study that statement carefully, Barack. It’s an example of the first rule of leadership: hypocrisy is the cement that holds a country or an institution together. The “success” he spoke of is nothing more that the artificial inflating of one bubble after another along with the propping up of a phony prosperity through the accumulation of massive amounts of debt. (In 1929 the total private, public and corporate debt was 160 percent of the nation’s GDP. In 2008, that same debt is 350 percent of GDP).
Some argue that now is the time to think outside the box, while others call for reducing the box to kindling. In truth, the only course of action for free market ideologues is to shore up the box by nailing additional support beams to its rotting timbers.
Providence calls us to follow empire’s traditional curve of ascent, apogee and decent into self-destruction. This is what makes history such a good read for those who even bother to read history.
The confusion created by an empire’s collapse is the perfect cover that allows our kleptocrats to stuff their pockets with public money while the proles scratch their heads as they try to figure out what in the hell is going on.
In the meantime, world leaders meet and discuss to give the illusion that they are working towards shoring up the world economy when all they are doing is calling for further study.
It’s only third-rate theater dressed up to look like Shakespeare.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Some are criticizing this weekend’s G20 economic summit for taking the decisive action of no action in the face of a crumbling world economy. Many see this as an example of the classic bureaucratic ploy of asking for further study of a collapsing structure even as the air is thick with the dust of falling ceilings and buckling walls.
The high point of the summit was when your predecessor took a principled stand against a regulated free market by arguing that, “The crisis was not a failure of the free market system…It would be a terrible mistake to allow a few months of crisis to undermine 60 years of success.”
Study that statement carefully, Barack. It’s an example of the first rule of leadership: hypocrisy is the cement that holds a country or an institution together. The “success” he spoke of is nothing more that the artificial inflating of one bubble after another along with the propping up of a phony prosperity through the accumulation of massive amounts of debt. (In 1929 the total private, public and corporate debt was 160 percent of the nation’s GDP. In 2008, that same debt is 350 percent of GDP).
Some argue that now is the time to think outside the box, while others call for reducing the box to kindling. In truth, the only course of action for free market ideologues is to shore up the box by nailing additional support beams to its rotting timbers.
Providence calls us to follow empire’s traditional curve of ascent, apogee and decent into self-destruction. This is what makes history such a good read for those who even bother to read history.
The confusion created by an empire’s collapse is the perfect cover that allows our kleptocrats to stuff their pockets with public money while the proles scratch their heads as they try to figure out what in the hell is going on.
In the meantime, world leaders meet and discuss to give the illusion that they are working towards shoring up the world economy when all they are doing is calling for further study.
It’s only third-rate theater dressed up to look like Shakespeare.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
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