My Dear Barack,
I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a concise statement that would explain the tradition that you are charged with upholding once you are sworn in. You are entering the pantheon of the gods (at least since Ronnie), and it is important that you carry on their work.
There are those on the left who are hoping your will trash these venerable traditions, but I have faith your will uphold them. Under you, it will be business as usual. The only change we can believe in is that it will be conducted with a smile instead of a sneer.
Well, I have found such a statement of principle. Believe it or not, it was written by that flaming Hollywood liberal, John Cusack who said,
A horrible cross-pollination of fundamentalism, dementia and market fever has turned America into a willing enabler of corporate cannibalism. Nothing else to call it when murder is seen as a legitimate extension of economic policy.
Sure, Cusack got a little too judgmental for my taste, but if you pare that away; you have a small nugget of truth.
It takes a rare combination of character and will to bomb women and children for the greater glory of a free and prosperous market. Corporatism is a paradox in that is its growth is grounded in death. Don’t believe for a moment that human sacrifice ended with the Aztecs. It continues today. The only difference is that our high priests have discovered the economy of scale.
The Aztec sacrificed one person at a time on altars high atop their pyramids. We pack the pyramids, asshole-to-belly-button, with the innocent and then reduce the pyramids to rubble with our smart bombs made of depleted uranium. Then we give Halliburton a no-bid contract to construct a new one.
It takes a backbone of steel to rule America, and you must accept the fact that when you leave office, that backbone will be rotted through with corrosion. But that, Barack, is the price you pay for greatness.
My only concern is that you appear too sane for the job. Do yourself a favor and surround yourself with psychopathic advisors. They will teach you the madness you need to lead. Embrace men totally devoid of morality who view decency as a character defect. Do this, and your legacy is assured.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Doing the Right Thing
Dear Barack,
My heart leapt with joy when I read that you had selected Rahm Emanuel as your White House chief of staff. I knew I could count on you to do the right thing. Sure, the proles and the media are all gaga over the dawning of a new age, a seismic shift, a paradigm change, the breaking of a new dawn, the reincarnation of the American Dream and all that other blather.
But I knew, in my heart of hearts, that you were a card-carrying member of the Corporatist Party, the one true party that has transcended the petty partisan divisions that serve only to hamper the efficiency that is only possible in a one-party country.
You will be under a lot of pressure as our Corporatists continue to trash the economy. There will be demands that the Democratic Party shore up its former base, the common man (the operative word here is “former”). Resist the pressure. Slather some populist rhetoric over the proles and continue to protect your true base, our kleptrocracy.
Never lose sight of the fact that our democratic republic is fueled not by debate and discussion, nor information nor education. It is fueled by marketing.
American marketing’s genius is selling the malignant as the divine. The corporatist state has convinced the public to find fulfillment as a host for the parasitic market. The masses glory in their role as victim, which they mistake for their elevation and glorification. This genius sells servitude as rebellion, conformity as individuation, and docility as assertiveness. By making them complicit in their enslavement they go peacefully.
This is the tradition you have inherited, and this is the tradition you must continue. And I have every faith that you shall do so.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
My heart leapt with joy when I read that you had selected Rahm Emanuel as your White House chief of staff. I knew I could count on you to do the right thing. Sure, the proles and the media are all gaga over the dawning of a new age, a seismic shift, a paradigm change, the breaking of a new dawn, the reincarnation of the American Dream and all that other blather.
But I knew, in my heart of hearts, that you were a card-carrying member of the Corporatist Party, the one true party that has transcended the petty partisan divisions that serve only to hamper the efficiency that is only possible in a one-party country.
You will be under a lot of pressure as our Corporatists continue to trash the economy. There will be demands that the Democratic Party shore up its former base, the common man (the operative word here is “former”). Resist the pressure. Slather some populist rhetoric over the proles and continue to protect your true base, our kleptrocracy.
Never lose sight of the fact that our democratic republic is fueled not by debate and discussion, nor information nor education. It is fueled by marketing.
American marketing’s genius is selling the malignant as the divine. The corporatist state has convinced the public to find fulfillment as a host for the parasitic market. The masses glory in their role as victim, which they mistake for their elevation and glorification. This genius sells servitude as rebellion, conformity as individuation, and docility as assertiveness. By making them complicit in their enslavement they go peacefully.
This is the tradition you have inherited, and this is the tradition you must continue. And I have every faith that you shall do so.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I worship and admire thee!
My Dear Barack,
Let me say from the get-go that I have always loved and admired you. You are my light of light, my very God of very God, begotten…
But I digress.
The moment they projected you as our next leader, I knew my destiny was to serve you just as I served your predecessor. Yes, Barack, it was my sage advice that has brought America to where she is today, and I hope to continue this tradition as you prepare to assume the mantle as our unitary commander-in-chief.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to start with a mild criticism. As it stands now, you have two weaknesses---maturity and judgment. You see, the Oval Office is a sheltered workshop for arrested adolescents, so the first thing you have to do if you want to lead is dumb yourself down.
Now, let’s talk legacy. Your primary responsibility as our leader is not to tackle the manifold problems that beset America; it is to secure your legacy by starting a war. Every president in the twentieth century either started a war or ramped up the one he inherited. There were two exceptions to this rule, Coolidge and Hoover, and the result was the Great Depression.
Wilson gave us World War I, FDR gave us World War II, Truman gave us Hiroshima and Korea, Eisenhower started the ball rolling in Vietnam, Kennedy took Vietnam to the next level and brought us to the brink of a nuclear holocaust, Johnson turned Vietnam into a bloodbath, Nixon added Cambodia to the mix, Carter laid the groundwork for Afghanistan and 9/11, Ronnie gave us Grenada, Bush I was a busy little bee with Panama and Gulf I, Clinton gave us Iraq and Monica, and Bush II turned both Iraq and Afghanistan into full fledged quagmires.
So, I am pleased to see that you are laying the groundwork for you own war in Pakistan. If you pull that off and keep things hopping in Iraq and Afghanistan, history will remember you as the first president to keep three wars in the air at the same time. You’ve got to rattle those sabers if you want to keep America humming.
I look forward to many years of devoted service to your greatness. Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I never once steered your predecessor wrong. All you have to do is keep our kleptrocracy happy, and you can look forward to a profitable eight years.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Let me say from the get-go that I have always loved and admired you. You are my light of light, my very God of very God, begotten…
But I digress.
The moment they projected you as our next leader, I knew my destiny was to serve you just as I served your predecessor. Yes, Barack, it was my sage advice that has brought America to where she is today, and I hope to continue this tradition as you prepare to assume the mantle as our unitary commander-in-chief.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to start with a mild criticism. As it stands now, you have two weaknesses---maturity and judgment. You see, the Oval Office is a sheltered workshop for arrested adolescents, so the first thing you have to do if you want to lead is dumb yourself down.
Now, let’s talk legacy. Your primary responsibility as our leader is not to tackle the manifold problems that beset America; it is to secure your legacy by starting a war. Every president in the twentieth century either started a war or ramped up the one he inherited. There were two exceptions to this rule, Coolidge and Hoover, and the result was the Great Depression.
Wilson gave us World War I, FDR gave us World War II, Truman gave us Hiroshima and Korea, Eisenhower started the ball rolling in Vietnam, Kennedy took Vietnam to the next level and brought us to the brink of a nuclear holocaust, Johnson turned Vietnam into a bloodbath, Nixon added Cambodia to the mix, Carter laid the groundwork for Afghanistan and 9/11, Ronnie gave us Grenada, Bush I was a busy little bee with Panama and Gulf I, Clinton gave us Iraq and Monica, and Bush II turned both Iraq and Afghanistan into full fledged quagmires.
So, I am pleased to see that you are laying the groundwork for you own war in Pakistan. If you pull that off and keep things hopping in Iraq and Afghanistan, history will remember you as the first president to keep three wars in the air at the same time. You’ve got to rattle those sabers if you want to keep America humming.
I look forward to many years of devoted service to your greatness. Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I never once steered your predecessor wrong. All you have to do is keep our kleptrocracy happy, and you can look forward to a profitable eight years.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
It's Here!
Dear George,
Well, it’s here at last, that day when the proles tumble into democracy’s sandbox and pretend they’re free citizens casting a free vote that will actually change something.
It’s a quadrennial sham that keeps pundits gainfully employed as they prattle on and on about anything and everything as long as it has nothing to do with any substantive issues.
This year’s campaign is different in one respect in that even though you have spent eight years totally fucking up America by turning it into a giant pork barrel for your cronies, the media really hasn’t raked you over the coals. Your Middle East quagmires are barely mentioned, and your name never comes up in discussions of our trashed economy
Your innocence is assured because you have become a nonperson.
But, you played your role well as a front man for the rabid ideologues who wanted to make America the New Rome and in the process have made her the New Haiti.
I’ve been doing my part for the cause by registering as many voters as I can. Believe me, I’m dead certain these voters will go for you.
However, I do have to get down to the county clerk’s office and make a few corrections. Flee-Fornication Smyth was born in 1986, not 1686, and Jebediah Johnson was born in 1980, not 1780.
The lesson there is don’t register graveyards whilst stoned.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
P.S. I assume you have all your ducks in a row should the election go the wrong way.
Well, it’s here at last, that day when the proles tumble into democracy’s sandbox and pretend they’re free citizens casting a free vote that will actually change something.
It’s a quadrennial sham that keeps pundits gainfully employed as they prattle on and on about anything and everything as long as it has nothing to do with any substantive issues.
This year’s campaign is different in one respect in that even though you have spent eight years totally fucking up America by turning it into a giant pork barrel for your cronies, the media really hasn’t raked you over the coals. Your Middle East quagmires are barely mentioned, and your name never comes up in discussions of our trashed economy
Your innocence is assured because you have become a nonperson.
But, you played your role well as a front man for the rabid ideologues who wanted to make America the New Rome and in the process have made her the New Haiti.
I’ve been doing my part for the cause by registering as many voters as I can. Believe me, I’m dead certain these voters will go for you.
However, I do have to get down to the county clerk’s office and make a few corrections. Flee-Fornication Smyth was born in 1986, not 1686, and Jebediah Johnson was born in 1980, not 1780.
The lesson there is don’t register graveyards whilst stoned.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
P.S. I assume you have all your ducks in a row should the election go the wrong way.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Marketing God
Dear George,
My, how effete liberals love to bitch about our national ignorance. One writer got his knickers in a knot because only 26 percent of Americans believe that evolution takes place through natural selection. So, what did he expect; we’re a pious fucking nation.
He then goes on to say, “Religion—in particular fundamentalist religion—makes you stupid.”
There is a man who mistakenly assumes that fundamentalism has something to do with religion. Fundamentalism is not a product of divine revelation; it is a product of clever marketing, and, no, I’m not talking about programs like The 700 Club. What I am talking about is decades of sophisticated marketing for everything from soft drinks to roll-on deodorants that has convinced the American public that it is entitled to a life of blissful happiness unsullied by even the smallest of dust motes.
Life, as we know, sucks, so it is only a matter of time before naiveté is screwed to the wall and disillusionment sets in. Trapped in a vale of tears, the poor darlings look about for relief. Soft drinks no longer work, nor do labels or logos. Moisturizers do nothing for an arid soul, and a new wardrobe leaves them as miserable as they ever were and even deeper in debt.
Cue the preachers and their promises of heavenly rewards that await the suffering and their assurances that the key to bliss on earth is to plunge into ignorance and superstition. “Believe and you, too, can skip through la-la land with a beatific smile on your face,” they tell them. The newly converted don’t embrace God, the embrace another product that promises smooth skin and unbroken happiness. Everything will be fine as long as you believe.
In their embrace of this new product, they lose sight of the fact that God only promises two things: the strength to endure hardship, and the perspective to understand that good times never last. What they think they are getting is a God who will keep the good times rolling.
But deep in their heart of hearts, they know this is bullshit. No matter how loudly they proclaim their ffaith they know that fate pisses on the just and the unjust, and they do their damndest to ignore this truth. Thus is born a siege mentality that views anything that deviates from their crippled doctrine as a threat. Everything not like them is Satan tempting them to leave the fold and wander the scorched and barren fields of reality. So, they barricade themselves in their mega churches to maintain the illusion that dinosaurs supplied the meat in man’s prehistoric diet.
This is what happens when a society disintegrates into a random collection of atoms spinning out of control. The loss of community leaves a vacuum into which a well-tailored televangelist readily steps with his promises eternal bliss. It’s either that or controlled substances.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
My, how effete liberals love to bitch about our national ignorance. One writer got his knickers in a knot because only 26 percent of Americans believe that evolution takes place through natural selection. So, what did he expect; we’re a pious fucking nation.
He then goes on to say, “Religion—in particular fundamentalist religion—makes you stupid.”
There is a man who mistakenly assumes that fundamentalism has something to do with religion. Fundamentalism is not a product of divine revelation; it is a product of clever marketing, and, no, I’m not talking about programs like The 700 Club. What I am talking about is decades of sophisticated marketing for everything from soft drinks to roll-on deodorants that has convinced the American public that it is entitled to a life of blissful happiness unsullied by even the smallest of dust motes.
Life, as we know, sucks, so it is only a matter of time before naiveté is screwed to the wall and disillusionment sets in. Trapped in a vale of tears, the poor darlings look about for relief. Soft drinks no longer work, nor do labels or logos. Moisturizers do nothing for an arid soul, and a new wardrobe leaves them as miserable as they ever were and even deeper in debt.
Cue the preachers and their promises of heavenly rewards that await the suffering and their assurances that the key to bliss on earth is to plunge into ignorance and superstition. “Believe and you, too, can skip through la-la land with a beatific smile on your face,” they tell them. The newly converted don’t embrace God, the embrace another product that promises smooth skin and unbroken happiness. Everything will be fine as long as you believe.
In their embrace of this new product, they lose sight of the fact that God only promises two things: the strength to endure hardship, and the perspective to understand that good times never last. What they think they are getting is a God who will keep the good times rolling.
But deep in their heart of hearts, they know this is bullshit. No matter how loudly they proclaim their ffaith they know that fate pisses on the just and the unjust, and they do their damndest to ignore this truth. Thus is born a siege mentality that views anything that deviates from their crippled doctrine as a threat. Everything not like them is Satan tempting them to leave the fold and wander the scorched and barren fields of reality. So, they barricade themselves in their mega churches to maintain the illusion that dinosaurs supplied the meat in man’s prehistoric diet.
This is what happens when a society disintegrates into a random collection of atoms spinning out of control. The loss of community leaves a vacuum into which a well-tailored televangelist readily steps with his promises eternal bliss. It’s either that or controlled substances.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Free Enterprise and Our Endless Wars
President Bush will bequeath to his successor the ultimate self-licking ice cream cone. To defense contractors, lobbyists, think-tankers, ambitious military officers, the hosts of Sunday morning talk shows, and the Douglas Feith-like creatures who maneuver to become players in the ultimate power game, the Global War on Terror is a boon, an enterprise redolent with opportunity and promising to extend decades into the future.
--Andrew J. Bacevich
Dear George,
There you have it in a nutshell: everything you need to know about your Eternal War of the Empty Policy. In the end, it’s all about free enterprise, and that ultimate American freedom, the freedom of a few to make a bundle off the misery of the many.
It’s common sense. We are a warrior nation, sort of, though it’s more accurate to say that we are a nation controlled by a warrior elite who realize that the ultimate profit center is a war of any kind on anything.
Wars on (fill in the blank) are elaborate sleights on hand that give the illusion that our elite are attacking a given problem head-on when, in fact, they are insuring that the problem will continue in perpetuity so they can continue to profit from it. The simple fact is that, economically, we can afford peace on any front.
Bacevich elaborates on this point when, speaking of your GWOT, he says, “[The] very enterprise has become a fiction, a gimmicky phrase employed to lend an appearance to a panoply of activities that, in reality, are contradictory, counterproductive, or at the very least beside the point.”
He goes on to cite the War on Drugs, which he describes as “a very expensive fraud,” as an example of this. The public has been led to believe that the goal of the War on Drugs is to stop the flow of drugs into the country and, in doing so, cure our national addiction to controlled substances.
Bullshit!
Its real purpose is to give us multiple opportunities to mess in the affairs of foreign nations and to establish client states in countries where both oil and drug trafficking thrive, such as Columbia, or where we want to run an oil pipeline, such as Afghanistan.
If we were really serious about stopping drug use, we would legalize them and use the billions we would save by halting our futile interdiction activities to provide free treatment to any addict who wanted it, because every addict, at one point or another, wants treatment.
This will never happen because the first rule of free enterprise is that you don’t eat the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Not only is America addicted to drugs, it is addicted to the income generated by the useless and expensive to stop them at our borders, because war is capitalism Viagra.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
--Andrew J. Bacevich
Dear George,
There you have it in a nutshell: everything you need to know about your Eternal War of the Empty Policy. In the end, it’s all about free enterprise, and that ultimate American freedom, the freedom of a few to make a bundle off the misery of the many.
It’s common sense. We are a warrior nation, sort of, though it’s more accurate to say that we are a nation controlled by a warrior elite who realize that the ultimate profit center is a war of any kind on anything.
Wars on (fill in the blank) are elaborate sleights on hand that give the illusion that our elite are attacking a given problem head-on when, in fact, they are insuring that the problem will continue in perpetuity so they can continue to profit from it. The simple fact is that, economically, we can afford peace on any front.
Bacevich elaborates on this point when, speaking of your GWOT, he says, “[The] very enterprise has become a fiction, a gimmicky phrase employed to lend an appearance to a panoply of activities that, in reality, are contradictory, counterproductive, or at the very least beside the point.”
He goes on to cite the War on Drugs, which he describes as “a very expensive fraud,” as an example of this. The public has been led to believe that the goal of the War on Drugs is to stop the flow of drugs into the country and, in doing so, cure our national addiction to controlled substances.
Bullshit!
Its real purpose is to give us multiple opportunities to mess in the affairs of foreign nations and to establish client states in countries where both oil and drug trafficking thrive, such as Columbia, or where we want to run an oil pipeline, such as Afghanistan.
If we were really serious about stopping drug use, we would legalize them and use the billions we would save by halting our futile interdiction activities to provide free treatment to any addict who wanted it, because every addict, at one point or another, wants treatment.
This will never happen because the first rule of free enterprise is that you don’t eat the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Not only is America addicted to drugs, it is addicted to the income generated by the useless and expensive to stop them at our borders, because war is capitalism Viagra.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
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