My Economic "Stimulant" Package

Dear George,

The sound you hear is the sound of my teeth grinding in anger and frustration. The Beltway is abuzz with all this chatter about and economic stimulus package, as once again our plutocrats act like a bunch of retards.

Our economic recovery is a nostril away, but both Congress and the White House are oblivious.

We don’t need an economic stimulus package; we need an economic “stimulant” package.

Every year, $322 billion worth of illegal drugs enter the country, and not a bit of it is grown or manufactured domestically.

George, it is high time we eliminate our dependency on foreign drugs and started producing them here. We’re dependent on Latin America for $47 billion in cocaine and grass. Sixty percent of Afghanistan’s GDP comes from opium production. That’s a hell of a lot of money to leave on the table.

Think of the possibilities if we started producing our drugs domestically. Just imagine what Monsanto could do with a genetically modified opium poppy (Papaver somniferum). Couple that with America’s marketing expertise and we could easily increase drug sales by thirty-five percent giving our economy a shot in the arm to the tune of $435 billion.

Put that in your GDP and smoke it.

Instead of heading for the mall, America would head for the nearest Head Shop, and the economy would be humming again. Drugs would become our new bull market.

There is, however, one caveat to all this. Under no circumstances should drugs be legalized! If we did so, the bottom would fall out of the market. Keep the laws, but cut the enforcement. That, in itself, would save the taxpayers millions which could be used to purchase bongs and syringes.

The political and social benefits of a booming drug market would be manifold. Our government would be able to do whatever it wanted because the country would be too stoned to give a shit. Social Security would be saved because the majority of the population would OD before they reached retirement age. War would come to an end since pilots would be too stoned to find their F-16s, which would work, anyway, because aircraft workers would be too zoned out to assemble them correctly. Enemy armies would deal drugs instead of fighting.

Turn our DEA agents into marketers instead of enforcers and by the fourth quarter Liberty's torch will shine again, even though the torch would be the glowing tip of a fat roach.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones