Friday, February 29, 2008

Assessing threats to be assessed so they'll be threats.

Dear George,

Bullshit is a shape shifter. If it won’t fit into one mold, you simply reshape it until it fits another.

Pundits penned obituaries of your Operation Iran Makeover when the NIE said Iran has suspended its nuclear weapons program back in 2003.

They should have known better.

Now comes our Director of National Intelligence Mike ”There’s a terrorist in every woodpile” McConnell with his Annual Threat Assessment. (What a creative title for a report! It tells us there will always be threats to assess whether or not there are any threats because the very act of assessment presumes the presence of threats that need assessment thus insuring that the very act of assessment will create threats to be assessed.)

And threats we do have, and they all spell I-r-a-n. Mike tells us they are two-fold: uranium and missiles. Iran is getting them both and this means world peace is at risk, so it may become America’s patriotic duty to preserve world peace by nuking the bastards.

It is a simple formula: “uranium plus missiles equals the end of our safety.” Mike understands that policy is spun out of threads of infantile causality that make it easy for an unlettered public to digest. Mike drives the point home when he says, “We do not know if these [nuclear weapons] activities have been restarted.” Innuendo rocks! That’s kind of like saying, “We do not know if Dick Cheney has regained his sanity.”

You are equally brilliant in your creative use of rhetoric. In a 2006 speech you brought your audience to its feed when you boldly proclaimed, “America will not bow to tyrants.” (No doubt, you were looking in the mirror, but that’s another story. ) However, the cherry atop the whipped cream was when you spoke of “tools of mass murder”, a phrase that is a virtuoso song and dance. “Weapons of Mass Destruction” was too damn dry. Mass murder congers up memories of the holocaust that Ahmadinejad denies.

The beauty of war is that its cause has nothing to do with reality. Fantasy has produced some of the world’s juiciest wars. The English Civil War that brought Oliver Cromwell to power was fought over such earth-shaking issues as whether the bread and wine would be on the altar or to the left of the altar during Holy Communion, or whether the clergy would wear surplices over their cassocks.

You may not realize it, George, but I am a seer. Whenever I suck on the sacred pipe, the future parades before my zoned-out eyes. Here is what is to going to happen:

If HillBill is the Democratic nominee, you’ll do nothing while the Republican attack machine drives her into a corner in which she must all but promise to attack Iran. It’s a no-brainer since AIPAC has her in its back pocket. If bamaobama is the nominee, you attack Iran, declare a national emergency, impose martial law and cancel the election.

Isn’t life wonderful when a plan comes together? Never have so many defense contractors owed so much to so few madmen. Operation Iran Makeover is alive and well. The flames of fear burn brightly as the sun slowly sets on the toxic fog of what remains of world peace.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones


Marianne said...

"Mass murder congers up memories of the holocaust that Ahmadinejad denies."

Which "holocaust" are you referring to because if my memory serves me correct, there have been many throughout history.

Some that come to mind are the Native Indian, Japanese, Armenian, Bosnian, Rwandan, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Guatemalan, Bangladesh, East Timor, Darfur, and more recently Iraqi and Palestinian.

But who could ever forget the grand-daddy of all genocides and the greatest Holocaust known to mankind?

Naturally I'm referring to the Ukrainian Holocaust in which 7-10 million died at the hands of the Bolsheviks.

Certainly you must recall all of these atrocities... or are you in fact the true denier?

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