Saturday, March 22, 2008

God Explains It All

Dear George,

Somewhere between the second and third pipe, God dropped by for a chat and explained it all. Frankly, he’s a little pissed at the way some people misunderstand his message. There is a fringe group of believers who think God is all about personal transformation and living a good life of peace and harmony.

According to the Inerrant Word of God, this is bullshit! The real God, the God worshipped by all the right people with the right mindset in the right way is the God of social control. Like he said, “Do you think I penned Leviticus for fun?

God went on to explain that while it is true that Jesus was his son, most people don’t realize that he was a problem child who totally screwed up God’s message during his ministry on earth. Jesus didn’t die for our sins; he died for his sins. (Specifically, his trashing the temple was the straw that broke the camel's back. God sanctifies personal property, you know.) But the good news is that during his two-thousand year stay in heaven, Jesus has been reprogrammed and is ready to return to earth and set things right.

This means the church must seize political power, because only a merger of Church and State yields the ruthlessness needed to rule efficiently.

Then God leaned forward and whispered something to me that caused the scales to fall from my eyes and the wax to pop out of my ears.

George, you are one of God’s elect. When you were buy a recalcitrant bundle of cells floating in your mother’s womb, God laid his finger on the cell that was to become your forehead, and you were destined for eternal life. It’s all explained by the Tweaked School of Calvinist Theology: Some of us are destined for eternal life, and some of us are destined for eternal damnation.

This means that you are protected by the doctrine of supralapsarianism, called surlyism for short. What it means is that because you are among the “elect” it is impossible for you to commit an evil act. No matter how you slaughter, destroy, maim, incarcerate, torture, or lie, God still loves you and has your reserved table ready for you in heaven.

As a matter of fact, God wants you to do just that. Your mission is to completely trash the earth in preparation for Jesus’ return to rule for a thousand years of eternity. And he is tickled pink with the job you have been doing. You’ve destabilized the antichrists in the Middle East; you have displayed the moral courage needed to show the world what nuclear power is all about; you’ve trashed America’s economy and are transitioning its people to the purgatory of impoverishment where they will learn the submission and humility that God demands of his subjects.

God explained that marginalizing the sick and the poor is a humanitarian act. The earlier a person dies, the sooner he comes face to face with God’s judgment, and if he’s poor, God punches his ticket to Hell, because poverty is proof of God’s displeasure.

Health care is an offense to God. It is a cruel practice that simply prolongs suffering. God can think of nothing more barbaric than the early detection of cancer. Look at the agony is causes as the family of the victim is forced to go through years of expensive treatment during which hopes are dashed only to be rekindled again. How much better it would be to postpone diagnosis until the disease is in its terminal stage. Then the family simply gathers at the patient's bedside, he croaks and that is the end to it. Death is so much easier when it’s short and sweet.

But, I digress...

Yes, George, you are one of the elect. You can be sure God’s hand touched you because all of those voices year hear in your head are God speaking.

I know, because he told me so.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones


Mark Prime (tpm/Confession Zero) said...

“Do you think I penned Leviticus for fun?


Jesus didn’t die for our sins; he died for his sins.

Hooooo Aggghhhh!

If he did indeed die for his then George has a free ticket to the frat party! Yeee Haw! Giddy up and git'er done, GW! Git'er done, boy!

Case Wagenvoord said...

His entire time in office has been on ongoing frat party.

Case Wagenvoord said...

"an ongoing fratparty"

Mark Prime (tpm/Confession Zero) said...


Case Wagenvoord said...

more like a fart party.