The Resurrection of the Zombies

Dear George,

Those who criticize Tim Geithner’s Financially Underwritten Collateralized Knowledgeability plan are heathens and deconstructionists.

Tim is pioneering a new approach to economics known as theological finance. He is firmly convinced that if Jesus rose from the dead, the banks can do the same. The only difference is that Jesus didn’t need a printing press while the banks do.

First, here’s a little background.

The key to our recovery is to plunge the American consumer deeper into debt. Consumption accounts for 70 percent of our GDP. Recovery will only be possible when that is increased to 85 percent. America is a consumptive society, and only by encouraging more of the same that ruined us will we be healed.

Everyone talks about all the toxic paper the banks are holding. They can’t sell it, we are told. And this is true, sort of. The banks can’t sell the stuff, at least not at the price they want. There are hedge funds out there that are willing to take the toxic paper off their hands for 10 to 25 cents on the dollar. The banks want 60 cents on the dollar, which only a madman would pay.

This is why we need Tim. He is willing to use taxpayers’ money to encourage private investors to purchase the sludge. I assume this means that if an investor pays 60 cents on the dollar for a piece of shit, taxpayers will reimburse said investor to the tune of 35 to 50 cents on the dollar. What private investors won't buy, the Fed and the FDIC will.

This will free up the banks to hand out even more credit cards so consumers can go deeper into debt while the banks that issued them the credit cards are foreclosing on their homes. It’s what known as trashing the base of the pyramid so the pointy top will remain safe and secure.

Those who call this voodoo economics forget that the voodoo religion not only creates zombies, it can bring them back from the dead. Since the nation is saddled with zombie banks, it follows the only solution is the application of voodoo economics.

Tim understands that economics is basically a superstition, and that what the country needs is not a financial whiz but a shaman. That’s what Tim is good at—pounding his drum and shaking his rattles while snorting the dust of dead toads up his nostrils.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones