Upgrading Capital Punishment

If there’s one reason the country’s in such a sorry shape it's wimpy executions. Let’s face it, lethal injections are nothing more than a penal ER. This negates the whole purpose of the execution, which is to instill fear in would-be perpetrators by prolonging the agony of death and doing so as publicly as possible. A slow death in prime time would send a powerful message.

There is one form of execution that not only meets the above criteria, but, if handled right, could prove to be a substantial revenue stream. I am speaking of that God-fearing, biblically sanction form of capital punishment, stoning.

Death by stoning is long and drawn out, and you could prolong the agony by making the condemned wear a bicycle helmet, thus placating the consumer safety lobby. The deterrent effect is obvious.

And think of the money it would generate if it were televised. It would be an easy thirty share. The charge for a thirty-second spot would put the Super Bowl to shame.

But it doesn’t stop there. Let our country’s corporations pay through their noses to put their corporate logos on each stone.

But the really big bucks would be in auctioning off the right to cast the first stone. Our bankers and politicians would fall all over themselves for this privilege.

The public is ready for the transition to agonizing executions. Duly desensitized by slasher films and torture memos, it is primed for the gore of a bloody death.

--Belacqua Jones