Taming Nature

Dear George,

It’s time we got the freaking tree huggers off our backs. They are nothing but latte-sucking Luddites slowing the unbridled growth that was once the bed-rock of our prosperity back when we had some prosperity to brag about. It is time we returned to the Calvinist vision of nature as one big animal potty. I mean, who can get excited over a place where bears shit?

Just look at how counterproductive nature is.

Wild land is a loser. A nature trail produces no revenue, a theme park does. Level and pave Yellowstone National Park and what do you have: democracy in action with open access to public land and a fortune in parking fees.

Mountains are downright dangerous. People are always falling off of them, and they are the leading cause of avalanches. They also create deserts by blocking the free flow of moist air. The mining companies do us a service every time they level one.

What about endangered species? Hell, George, if you can’t eat them, what good are they?

Nature must be sanitized! Its fecundity is offensive. Its wild unpredictability cries out for rational order. Asphalt is the great leveler.

God, how I miss the days when your environmental policy was summed up in two words—nature sucks!

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones