Sunday, June 21, 2009

Another flood, another ark.

It’s been raining here in New Jersey. It’s been raining for a long, long time. Rain rains on the rain that has rained. Fungus grows between our toes; strings of Spanish moss dangle from our nose hairs; a green slick of algae coats our skin.

It can only mean one thing: God’s pissed and its flood time again.

I know, he promised us no more floods. But the people who inked that contract are long dead. Besides, God drew up that contract before drones and aerial bombing. I’m sure there was a no-bomb clause in the original.

Not liking to be caught with my pants down, unless I’m in a compromising position, I’ve started making plans for my ark.

However, this time it’s going to be different.

Given the body count since Noah’s ark touched down on Mt. Ararat, it is apparent that God screwed up: He drowned the sinners.

This time around, I plan to save them. After the floods recede, they’ll be too busy partying to start a war. Besides, virtue has started more wars than sin has.

This means no animals; animals can swim. A lot of sinners are too stoned to even tread water.

No more wooden arks, either. I’ve contracted the construction a luxury ark to a shipyard in Connecticut. I thought there was going to be a hitch when the yard quoted me a price of $2.5 million to build it.

Then God whispered that magic word into my ear: “Earmark.” So, I contacted my congressman and convinced him that the defense industry could use a shot in the arm with a new threat—God’s wrath.

It worked, and he is adding an earmark to the next bill that passes through Congress. (The down side of only accepting sinners means I’ll have to take the whole damn congress with me. That’s okay; I’ll stick them all down in steerage.)

Anyhow, my shipbuilder is thrilled because this means he’ll be awarded an $18 billion contract, plus cost overruns, to build the ark.

Given the large numbers of sinners walking the face of the earth, I’m going to have to prioritize. The first to be allowed on board will be young, nubile females. Next will be the rich who can pay exorbitant sums for their first class cabins. Stoners will follow. The remaining space will be allocated on a first-come-first-served basis.

It’s raining again, so sinners must hurry and contact me by June 30th. A $500 deposit is required for all reservations, payable in small, unmarked bills. The deposit is waived for young, nubile females.

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