Clinging to the Burden

Dear George,

As the country slowly sinks into insolvency, the need for innovative leadership has never been greater. What is needed is not innovation in the traditional meaning of the word, but a neoinnovation that innovates by not innovating. In other words, we need the illusion of change without change to conceal the radical change that will necessary if we are to maintain the illusion that we are the world’s sole surviving superpower.

The blunt fact of the matter is that the Pentagon is bankrupting America, and it must continue to do so or the loss of our self-esteem will be devastating. It is now time for the brave leader to make radical cuts in our social programs so we can continue to finance our bid for world conquest.

Many people are under the mistaken belief that we seek hegemony to control the flow of oil, or to protect our corporate interests overseas, or to open new markets, or simply to feed the nastiness that is the core of our foreign policy.

It’s none of the above, George.

It has to do with a tradition that started in 1415 when the Portuguese discovered that the African coast was a great revenue stream, with the gold, ivory and the 175,000 slaves they were able to wrest from the continent.

When the first Portuguese caravel touched the African coast, Europe took upon itself the Whiteman’s Burden to bring peace and civilization to the savages of the world. And Euromericans, since then, have found this burden to be a major source of their self esteem.

We are doing our duty, George. We have hacked, racked, burned, decapitated, shot, bombed, shrapnelled, diseased, starved, tortured, oppressed, jailed, exiled, displaced and gutted countless natives in the discharge of this burdensome burden.

Too much White blood has been shed in this effort to give it up now. We must honor the sacrifices made by those who have given their lives to civilize the natives by sacrificing even more lives in its continuing pursuit. Blood sanctifies blood.

Were we to shuck off this burden, it would not only be a major blow to Euromerican self esteem, but it would demonstrate to the world that the West has lost both its character and its resolve.

We have a reputation to live up to, George. And we can only maintain it by turning out weapon system after weapon system until we show the world that the Whiteman’s Burden is one we are prepared to carry straight to the nearest poorhouse.

The truth is that we are this burden's last hurrah, and like all last hurrahs, we are both its endgame and its parody.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones