Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Tripping with the Gods

Dear George,

Smoked some really good shit last night. Man, I was tripping through the cosmos like a meteorite! The highpoint of the evening was when I sat down with the gods for a few hands of Texas hold 'em.

Just between us guys, Jesus is an easy bluff. Every time he and I had a showdown, he folded. Don’t try it with Jehovah, though, the guy really holds a grudge. (Incidentally, Jesus didn’t die for our sins. He died because he pissed off his old man with his radical teachings.)

I did learn was that Zeus is a pretty regular guy who’s received some really bad press. So he throws a lightning bolt or two. At least he didn’t flood the goddamn world.

Anyhow, the chit-chat around the table turned to politics. On the whole, the gods are really happy with all you’ve done. War, famine, pestilence and plague are to the gods what reality television is to us mortals.

All of them are pulling for Bomb-Bomb McCain to take the election since he offers the best hope for keeping their entertainment going. There’s some dissention over what to do about Obama. Zeus’s weapon of choice is the thunderbolt, while Thor is partial to his hammer, Mjoinir. Jehovah, on the other hand, thinks some well-placed boils and pustules would do the trick. Jesus, who’s still bitter over the crucifixion, wants to nail him to a cross.

Above all, every one of them wants you to use your remaining time in office to ramp up your destructive policies. They are hedging their bets against the possibility of an Obama win. The idea is for you to leave such a mess that Hercules’s Augean stables would look like an aerospace clean room in comparison. (Incidentally, Jehovah doesn’t give a shit how much land Israel occupies. But the fact that they think they’re entitled to it gives him a real chuckle.)

Never forget that the gods consider war a sacrament. The stench of burning flesh and rotting viscera is their perfume. This is why they consider you their son with whom they are pleased. When you are finally beamed naked up to heaven you will sit on the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Don’t be upset if the seat looks like a defendant’s chair. It’s all they had available.

The gods are really upbeat about Earth’s prognosis. With a lot of effort, and a good dollop of creativity, there is every reason to believe that we could be a dead planet by century’s end.

Even now, the Gods are combing the galaxies to line up a replacement after humanity finishes trashing Earth. All they have to do is pick up a fresh scent of exhaust fumes wafting through the cosoms.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

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