The Honor is Yours

Dear George,

If they ever hand out a Tomas de Torquemada Award for Interrogative Innovation, you will be the first honoree. Once again, you are taking democracy to a new level as your minions go to court to block detainees from talking about their experiences when, and if, they are released. Specifically, you don’t want the worms talking about the “alternative interrogation techniques” that forced them to confess to crimes both real and imagined.

These techniques are among the governments most sensitive national security secrets and their release could play havoc with our war on terror. If terrorists knew what we were going to do to them, they could train to resist it.

I can see it now, a terrorist training camp on the Afghan-Pakistani border. The drill instructor blows his whistle and yells, “Awright trainees! Everybody down to the pool for waterboard drill!” The very thought sends chills up my spine.

It’s true that most of the people we drag in are innocent, so probably would never benefit from this training, but since we don’t know who’s innocent and who’s guilty, we’d best keep this information under wraps.

Liberty is a torch that enlightens the world. Should anyone threaten it, it is fitting that this same torch be held against the soles of their bare feet until they chatter like a monkey.

In this age of fanciful threats, America must wrap herself in a flag stained with the urine, blood and feces of the alternatively interrogated.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones