Setting the Middle East Straight

Dear George,

I was thrilled when you gave those wogs what-for in a speech, Sunday, at the World Economic Forum on the Middle East at Sharm El Sheikh. Enough is enough, I say, and it’s time they got with the program.

Your requirements are very simple. All you want is free trade, lower taxes and protection for intellecutal property rights.

Of course, you know and I know that these are code words that point to a deeper meaning. Basically, you’re telling them that it’s time to lose their silly robes and don some God-fearing western-style suits, complete with American flag lapel pins. If English is the world’s lingua franca, then the Brooks Brothers suit is the world’s factio franca.

Then you set them straight on what constitutes the proper political process it when you said, “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted on one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” Your message was that they should be like us, with one leader in power and the opposition marginalized, along with the legislative and judicial branches of government.

What you want to see is more free elections like the one in Palestine that brought Hamas to power. Our failure to recognize those election results has everything to do with promoting democracy. All we want is more and more democracy until the Palestinians elect some acceptable suits that behave like we do.

You displayed you usual bluntness when you insisted that those individuals who are fighting foreign occupiers of their lands be branded as “terrorists. “ (Of course, whenever make this statement you cleverly elide over the fact that by your definition, the brave Minutemen who fought in the American Revolution would be branded terrorists in today’s world.)

You have let the world know that you are on a mission from God to bring peace and freedom to the Middle East, no matter how many villages you have to destroy. Freedom demands sacrifice and dead bodies. And it is through sacrifice and suffering that the people of the Middle East will, one day, find Jesus and become world-class mallrats.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones