Wednesday, July 23, 2008

God Bless Gen. Turgidson!

Dear George,

The one movie I can watch over and over is Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Here is a movie that absolutely resonates with the martial patriotism that has made us what we are today. It is the cinematic manifestation of that inspiring war cry of the fifties and sixties, “Better dead than Red!”

Whoops, I forgot! The movie came out in 1964, during your stoner phase, so you probably don’t remember it. Allow me to give you a quick synopsis.

The patriotic commander of a Strategic Air Command (SAC) wing, Gen. Jack Ripper, rightfully concerned with the commie-sabotaged water that is diluting his precious bodily fluids, cuts through the red tape that hampers decisive action, and sends his bombers off to nuke the commies. In the end, the world is destroyed and the communist menace is cut off at its knees.

Ripper is a true American hero. But, in my eyes, the real hero of the movie is Gen. “Buck” Turgidson, brilliantly portrayed by George C. Scott. Turgidson makes an argument that should have been the bedrock of our foreign policy. He quite correctly points out that as soon as the first bomb falls, the Soviets are going to be really pissed, and World War III will be on, whether we like it or not. So, why not hit them with everything we’ve got and be done with them.

Sadly, he didn’t prevail.

So you can imagine the tears of jingoistic joy that streamed down my cheeks when I read the following statement from your minion, John Bolton

We should be intensively considering what cooperation the US will extend to Israel before, during and after a strike on Iran. We will be blamed for the strike anyway, and certainly feel whatever negative consequences result, so there is compelling logic to make it as successful as possible.

That, George, is the sound of America singing.

Just think of it, another big war in the making. As soon as the Israelis hit Iran, Iran’s going to sink our carrier taskforces in the Persian Gulf and we’ll have the Pearl Harbor the neocons have been pining for. (It’s time for a new one since 9/11 is starting to fade from the public’s memory.)

War is capitalism writ big. The Great Seal of the United States explains it all. There is a reason it shows a pyramid whose apex is the eye of God. That’s all the proof we need to convince us that wealth and power are signs of God’s blessing.

What is war other than sacrificing the proles at the base of the pyramid so its apex can enjoy the bounties of God’s multiple blessings?

War is the ultimate con. When the blood dries and the gore turns to dust, that is when the carnage is glorified in word and stone. As the paeans are sung and the monuments built, memories of the misery and suffering fade and the next generation is pumped to repeat the madness. Just as the teats wag the boar, so does war wag the proles.

This is why we need men like John “Buck” Bolton. They inflame and inspire, making sure that America will continue to enjoy the prosperity that only turgid defense contracts can bring.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones


Anonymous said...

Bolton is a complete ass.

Case Wagenvoord said...

Bolton is a typical neocon. Scratch him and you find a Pollyanna with PMS.

Anonymous said...

Let's have Bolton ride the first bomb that falls on Iran, like Slim Pickens did in Dr. Strangelove.

Case Wagenvoord said...

I'll supply the cowboy hat.

Mark Prime (tpm/Confession Zero) said...

I'll supply the laugh track!

Mark Prime (tpm/Confession Zero) said...

Turgidson: Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth, both for ourselves as human beings, and for the life of our nation. Now, the truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable post-war environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.

Muffley: You're talking about mass murder, General, not war.

Turgidson: Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh... depending on the breaks.


de Sadesky: What did you say?

Turgidson: I said, Premier Kissov is a degenerate atheist commie! That's what I said.

de Sadesky: Mr. President, I formally request that you have this ignorant fool removed from the war room.

[to Turgidson, and de Sadesky who is on Turgidson's lap]
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room!

Case Wagenvoord said...

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.

Mark Prime (tpm/Confession Zero) said...

My pleasure, literally and figuratively.