Gutting the Internet to Save America from Herself

Dear George,

Something simply must be done! Over the past thirty years, America has slowly, but gradually, been forced back into a corporate mode of behavior with the reemergence of a compliant and disciplined workforce that remains compliant and disciplined no matter how badly the corporatist state abuses it.

Regrettably, one pool of anarchy, dissent and irresponsibility remains: the internet. And we all know that Corporatism tolerates neither anarchy, nor dissent nor irresponsibility.

It is a terrifying situation. America’s children are locked in their bedrooms, surfing the net and becoming increasingly radicalized as they are morphed into homegrown terrorists. And when they are not being radicalized, they are clicking onto porn sites where they are turned into perverted monsters. Before you know it, America will be overrun by sex-crazed Neomuslim terrorists who will rape everything they don’t blow up.

Sounds terrifying, doesn’t it. Thank God it’s all bullshit. It is simply my humble suggestion for a marketing campaign to purge the internet of its progressive sedition.

Our youth are not a problem. It is always the same whenever they get testy. They raise some hell, break a few windows, and then they get married, get a job, go into debt, and the next thing you know, they are voting Republican. No, George, homegrown terrorism is not an issue.

This does not mean the internet is home free. It presents a real and present danger, one underscored by your National Director of Intelligence, Mike McConnell who tells us that America’s banking system is at risk. McConnell points out that an internet attack on a single U.S. bank by 9/11-style terrorists would have a devastating effect on our nation’s economy. McConnell then trots out a shop-worn canard when he says, “My prediction is that we’re going to screw around until this something horrible happens.”

His solution is a bill that gives the government authority to spy, at will, on all e-mail, file transfers and Web searches.

McConnell proves what I have always suspected, that all of your administration’s bluster about armies of terrorists on the cusp of overrunning America is one of the greatest stand-up comedy routines the world has ever seen.

Take McConnell’s perceived threat to the American banking system.

George, George, George! The greatest threat to the American banking system is from the American banking system. Every time it gets a whiff of deregulation, it proceeds to devour itself. We saw this with the savings and loan debacle, and we are seeing it now with the subprime meltdown. It is a comfort to know that as the system self-destructs, McConnell will keep it safe from terrorists.

But what really amazes me is how you can still play the terrorists card after it has produced 935 lies just in the run-up to the Iraq enterprise. It just goes to show that a country without memory has no history by which to judge the present; so instead of growth, there is only the decay brought about by the benumbed repetition of habit.

I have no doubt that by the time you leave office, the internet will be in a state of total lockdown and the last pool of anarchy will be history, which nobody will remember. When this happens, a new dawn will break on our fair country, a dawn concealed by the viscous fog of oppression.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones