Courting Death for Fun and Profit

Dear George,

Let me tell you why I love America. She is a wounded empire, dying a slow death as her wounds bleed out. A wounded animal is an angry animal ready to lash out in any direction. This is why God anointed you leader, because you are the man for the time and the place.

Death is a glorious experience; a time of romantic tragedy and kitsch that lends itself to operatic arias and flights of inflated rhetoric. Death beats the mundane boredom of everyday life with its mind-numbing routine mired in a syrupy swamp of love and compassion. To die, George is the ultimate trip, and you are our Judas Goat leading us through a maze of ramps to the slaugher house.

That is why I was thrilled to see you going for the trifecta: Iran, Venezuela Ecuador.

It was just in time that you kicked “Fox” Fallon out of the Middle East. If there is one thing the sweet madness of death cannot abide, it is reason, and Fallon was just too goddamn reasonable with his refusal to take out Iran. The man had no understanding of what a death wish is all about.

But you are really hitting your stride in Latin America. What a pain in the ass that place is. I hate to be critical, but Chavez should have been taken out years ago before he was able to spread his contagion to other countries in the region. Are you telling me that assassination is no longer one of our policy tools?

Well, thank God we have our Latin America Israel in Columbia. Columbia’s President Alvaro Uribe is primed and ready to do your dirty work for you. His incursion into Ecuador to take out a terrorist cell was but the first shot in what promises to be a prolonged campaign to spread Democratic Capitalism to all of Latin America.

Once again, we have a classic good/evil battle building up steam. Columbia is a paragon of democracy in sharp contrast to the dictatorial socialism of Columbia and Ecuador. Just hope some wiseass journalist doesn’t ask you how many labor leaders, human rights advocates, teachers, lawyers and intellectuals Chavez has murdered recently.

Whoops! I forgot! There are not any wiseass journalists left. Silly me!

It was a stroke of luck that the brave Columbian soldiers “discovered” a FARC-EP laptop after slaughtering the terrorists in their sleep. That was a major public relations coup. The crème de la crème was the “revelation” that the FARC-EP had acquired 110 pounds of uranium for a dirty bomb it plans to sell to the nearest terrorist. O George, how my heart leapt with joy as you once again began to take America down the “Yellow Brick Road.” It is truly a miracle that after the 935 lies that led us into the Iraq quagmire our press is still willing to swallow another one of your turds.

I would like to give you one piece of advice. Recently, when speaking to our brave soldiers in our Department of Homeland Security, you said, “We’re in a battle with evil men—I call them evil because if you murder the innocent to achieve a political objective, you’re evil.”

George, George, George! Stop looking in the fucking mirror when your write your speeches!

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones