Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Let's Give Nature Back to God

Dear George,

You are our Joshua, our warrior kink whose purifying lightening will be the scourge of malefactors and deconstructionists, both at home and abroad.

The first target of your campaign to purify America of the malignant evil that is rotting our collective soul should be a group of neo-pagan atheists who would make a mockery of Scripture with their subversive belief in animism. I am, of course, talking about the environmentalists.

Their greatest danger is the touchy-feely nature of their message that reeks of the stench of damnation.

“Nature is beauty,” they tell us.

“Nature is our temple.”

“The Earth is a living organism.”

If that isn’t paganism, I don’t know what is. Five hundred years ago these tree huggers would have been hugging a stake while the Inquisition put a torch to the faggots bundled beneath their Birkenstocks™.

Of course, in these days of relativistic permissiveness, nary an objection is raised. But under the gentle touch of your iron fist, all of this will change and we will return to a world of God-ordained absolutism.

The Bible is clear (Gen. 1; 26-30): God gave us the Earth to fuck up as we see fit. Yet, the pagans would have us believe that we are simply a “derivative” species and that some goddamned endangered species should stand between us and God’s commandment to “be fruitful.” When God ordered us to be fruitful, he was talking about commercial development.

Move quickly, George, before their pagan contagion spreads. You are our Moses leading us out of the wilderness of secularism. After you, the Rapture!

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones.

2 comments:

thepoetryman said...

Scripture with their subversive belief in animism. I am, of course, talking about the environmentalists.

Damn animists! Sure a trees got a soul! Hell! When I cut `em down I sure as hell don't hear `em moan `r nothin' akin to no Barry White!

Sorry. Lost my train of thought for a second there, Belacqua...

Five hundred years ago these tree huggers would have been hugging a stake while the Inquisition put a torch to the faggots bundled beneath their Birkenstocks™. Holy Christ! That was funny!

When God ordered us to be fruitful, he was talking about commercial development.

Oh my.

After you, the Rapture!

Problem is... George thought God said rupture so he invaded Iraq.

Case Wagenvoord said...

That's herniated faith for you.