You, Our Economy and Life's Suckabilness

Dear George,

There are those who cling to the naive belief that life is good. Personally, I prefer to cling to the naive belief that life sucks. I find it gives me a greater clarity of vision, and it’s a lot more fun.

The problem with the innocent is that they have no grasp of the sophisticated complexities that go into conspiracies. Whenever they suspect a conspiracy, they end up subscribing to a simplistic scenario such as the belief that you planned 9/11 or that more than one person assassinated John F. Kennedy.

Take your plans to cancel the 2008 election. The innocent believe that you will use an attack on Iran as an excuse to cancel them.

To those innocents I say balderdash! While you have planned such an attack, its purpose is to protect the petrodollar from an emerging petroeuro. The Iranians have established their own bourse to market their oil in competition with New York’s NYMEX and London’s IPE. This bourse demands Euros as payment. Such a scheme is a blow against free enterprise and cannot be tolerated. But, destroying the country has nothing to do with the upcoming nonelection.

No, George, you are much too clever for such a sophomoric scheme. (Or perhaps I should say the Big Dick is much too clever.) The problem with the Iran scenario is that it is too obvious. If you tried a stunt like that, KBR would have to start work on its internment camps without delay because the protest it would generate would be overwhelming.

Those who believe such nonsense would do well to sit down and read your National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive, at least that part of it that isn’t classified. Basically, it allows you to declare yourself dictator in the event of a “catastrophic emergency.” The definition of what constitutes such an emergency if as vague as it is ambiguous. It could be “any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruptions severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy (emphasis mine), or government functions.”

I loved the way you slipped “economy” in there, because now the depth and sophistication of your plan comes into focus.

It is problematic waiting for a national disaster or a terrorist attack to use as an excuse for making you our supreme leader. I know you talk to God a lot, but He can be pretty unreliable with it comes to disaster planning.

This leaves self-inflicted disasters. Blowing up a Wal-Mart in the heartland simply wouldn’t work because at this point, your credibility is resting at the bottom of our national septic tank, and the public would see right through it.

Instead, you, in your wisdom, have gone with a self-inflicted economic meltdown. The beauty of this approach is that all you had to do was sequester yourself in the Oval Office while your point man, Big Al Greenspan, did all the dirty work. How else can we explain the incompetence and ineptitude that has characterized America’s financial sector over the last fifteen or twenty years?

All you need do is collapse the banking system, send the world economy into a massive depression, throw millions of Americans out of their homes and you have the economic “catastrophic emergency” that would justify the implementation of the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive (God, I love poetic titles!)

My only suggestion is that you hold off on attacking Iran until after you’ve consolidate your power. By then, you’ll have a massive army of unemployed so desperate for food and income that they’ll gladly pick up a rifle and get themselves shot up, especially if you can blame our economic disaster on the Muslims.

I love you, Big guy! Every time you open your mouth you confirm my deep-seated belief that life sucks. Thank you for keeping my faith alive.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones