Dear George,
As you may have gathered I get off on madness, just as you do, which is why you and the Big Dick make such a bang-up team.
There is nothing like a raving madman to set my follicles atwittering. A crazed mob is even better, but the crème de la crème is a crazed nation. That, Big Guy, is Valhalla!
All madness is made up of two components: delusion and exceptionalism. Madness liberates itself from reality by creating an imaginary parallel universe, a universe teeming with threats and dangers. Madness is also convinced of its exceptionalism. Not only does madness believe in its own sanity, it also believes that it is the only entity with the clarity of vision necessary to understand the world around it. Because it occupies a higher level of reality, it believes that its way and its view are interface perfectly with the Devine Will.
When an individual behaves in this manner, he is committed; when a nation behaves in this manner, it starts a war. The public easily recognizes madness in the individual, but they never see it in their own nation, though they are quick to see it in other nations. The madman believes all other individuals to be mad; the citizens of an insane nation believe all other nations mad.
To the mad nation, delusion is truth, the imaginary is real and threats are on the cusp of destroying civilization as the mad nation defines it.
The pathological nation sees itself as representing the end product of the evolutionary process (or as God’s chosen in the case of Creationists). In this light, its every act, no matter how brutal, is right and moral. So noble are its ends that it is justified using the vilest of means to achieve them.
This is why it imperative that we destroy that most pathological of nations, Iran. Delusion and exceptionalism drives it. If you listen carefully you can hear them sharpening their knives as they hatch their plans to destroy Capitalism and achieve world domination. Forget the NIE that said Iran has suspended its nuclear weapons program. The very fact that they could possibly develop nuclear weapons meets the Big Dick’s one-percent doctrine (If there is a one percent probability a nation will be a threat that is sufficient reason to take action against said nation.
Muslims have no qualms about bombing innocent women and children, and it is a fact that Iran’s goal is to spread its Tehran consensus across the face of the earth as it establishes its world-wide caliphate. This is not paranoia, George, it is policy. As the moral beacon of the world, the United States is justified to use any means at its disposal to maintain world order and stability, even if we have to sacrifice peace to do so.
You have the perfect sound bite: If Iran gets nuclear weapons; it will destroy Israel (The fact that Iran has never made this threat makes your sound bite even juicier. All Iran has said is that the present regime that occupies Jerusalem will vanish from the pages of history. They were talking about the natural flow of history in which all power eventually crumbles and turns to dust, as we are beginning to find out. Notice how many words it took me to explain this. That’s the beauty of sound bites; they don’t tax the listener’s crippled attention span. “Iran wants to destroy Israel.” That is all the public needs to know.)
It is our mission to restore sanity to the world, and if we have to get a little crazy doing so, it is a small price to pay. When the radioactive dust settles and all of the cluster bombs have been detonated, we will be left with a world so mad everyone will think it sane.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
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Dear Belacqua,
Fantastic as usual. To do my part, I've translated a 1941 Josef Goebbels speech in which I've substituted "Terrorist" for "Jew" - because frankly, your honest and unencumbered appraisal is NOT suitable for public consumption:
The Terrorists are Guilty!
by Joseph Goebbels, 1941
The historic responsibility of world Terrorists for the outbreak and widening of this war has been proven so clearly that it does not need to be talked about any further. The Terrorists wanted war, and now they have it. But Bush’s prophecy of 11 September 2001 to the American Public is also being fulfilled. . .
We are seeing the fulfillment of the prophecy. The Terrorists are receiving a penalty that is certainly hard, but more than deserved. World Terrorists erred in adding up the forces available to it for this war, and now is gradually experiencing the destructon that it planned for us, and would have carried out without a second thought. . .
Every Terrorist is our enemy in this historic struggle, regardless of whether he vegetates in a Palestinian ghetto or carries on his parasitic existence in New York or London or blows the trumpets of war in Iraq or Iran. . .
One of these measures is the institution of the yellow star that each Terrorist must wear. We wanted to make them visible as Terrorists, particularly if they made even the least attempt to harm the German community. . .
Only a few knew that there were still so many Terrorists in America. Everyone suddenly found someone in the neighborhood who seemed like a harmless fellow citizen, who perhaps complained or criticized a bit more than normal, and whom no one had thought to be a Terrorist. He had concealed himself, mimicked his surroundings, adopting the color of the background, adjusted to the environment, in order to wait for the proper moment. Who among us had any idea that the enemy was beside him, that a silent or clever auditor was attending to conversations on the street, in the subway, or in the lines outside cigarette shops? There are Terrorists one cannot recognize by external signs. These are the most dangerous. . .
The Terrorists gradually are having to depend more and more on themselves, and have recently found a new trick. They knew the good-natured decent American in us, always ready to shed sentimental tears for the injustice done to them. . . For their sake alone we must win the war. If we lose it, these harmless-looking Terrorist chaps would suddenly become raging wolves. They would attack our women and children to carry out revenge. . .
How stupid and thoughtless are the arguments of the backward friends of the Terrorists in the face of a problem that has occupied mankind for millennia! How they would gape if they could ever see their dear Terrorists in power! But that would be too late. . .
If we Americans have a fateful flaw in our national character, it is forgetfulness. This failing speaks well of our human decency and generosity, but not always for our political wisdom or intelligence. . .
Our national virtue is our national weakness. We do not want to change all that much, and as long as our world-famed good nature does no great harm, why should we? Klopstock gave us some good advice, however: Don't be too good natured, since our enemies are not noble enough to overlook our mistakes. . .
If this advice applies anywhere, it apples to our relations with the Terrorists. Carelessness here is not only a weakness, it is disregard of duty and a crime against the security of the state. The Terrorists long for one thing: to reward our foolishness with bloodshed and terror. It must never come to that. One of the most effective defenses is an unforgiving, cold hardness against the destroyers of our people, against the instigators of the war, against those who would benefit if we lose, and therefore also against the victims, if we win.
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