Old Men Rising

Dear George,

Those of us shuffling towards the end of our life-spans with death and senility whispering in our ears love the Big Dick. The man has discovered the Fountain of Youth.

The hardest thing about aging is standing hopelessly by as the bodily fluids slowly dry and turn to dust. The elastic vibrancy of youth becomes dried parchment, too creased and wrinkled to be written on. Thank God, there is a moisturizer that smoothes and softens.

The fluid that keeps the old young is bile, and the Big Dick has made it fashionable again. Bile firms the flesh and hardens the eye; it keeps the heart beating and aids the digestion. Take an old man suffering from an assortment of ailments and let him manifest a mean edge, and before you know it, his ailments are history.

Bile performs an invaluable service to the state because it enables old men to send the young off to die in useless wars. This is a culling of the herd that benefits the state by insuring the survival of the privileged who are able to get endless deferments. Meanwhile, the poor, all of whom are a drain of our social services, are killed, while those maimed or psychologically destroyed can be warehoused or ignored.

There was a time when the old were honored for their wisdom; now they are honored for their bile. For this, America’s seniors own the Big Dick their gratitude.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones