My Dear Barack,
Let me say from the get-go that I have always loved and admired you. You are my light of light, my very God of very God, begotten…
But I digress.
The moment they projected you as our next leader, I knew my destiny was to serve you just as I served your predecessor. Yes, Barack, it was my sage advice that has brought America to where she is today, and I hope to continue this tradition as you prepare to assume the mantle as our unitary commander-in-chief.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to start with a mild criticism. As it stands now, you have two weaknesses---maturity and judgment. You see, the Oval Office is a sheltered workshop for arrested adolescents, so the first thing you have to do if you want to lead is dumb yourself down.
Now, let’s talk legacy. Your primary responsibility as our leader is not to tackle the manifold problems that beset America; it is to secure your legacy by starting a war. Every president in the twentieth century either started a war or ramped up the one he inherited. There were two exceptions to this rule, Coolidge and Hoover, and the result was the Great Depression.
Wilson gave us World War I, FDR gave us World War II, Truman gave us Hiroshima and Korea, Eisenhower started the ball rolling in Vietnam, Kennedy took Vietnam to the next level and brought us to the brink of a nuclear holocaust, Johnson turned Vietnam into a bloodbath, Nixon added Cambodia to the mix, Carter laid the groundwork for Afghanistan and 9/11, Ronnie gave us Grenada, Bush I was a busy little bee with Panama and Gulf I, Clinton gave us Iraq and Monica, and Bush II turned both Iraq and Afghanistan into full fledged quagmires.
So, I am pleased to see that you are laying the groundwork for you own war in Pakistan. If you pull that off and keep things hopping in Iraq and Afghanistan, history will remember you as the first president to keep three wars in the air at the same time. You’ve got to rattle those sabers if you want to keep America humming.
I look forward to many years of devoted service to your greatness. Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I never once steered your predecessor wrong. All you have to do is keep our kleptrocracy happy, and you can look forward to a profitable eight years.