Friday, May 16, 2008

Killing the Monsters Under Our Beds by Weaponizing Space

Dear George,

There are some phrases that really thrombulate my follicles whenever I utter them, and one that sends them into an orgiastic spasm is “full spectrum dominance.” It is the latest doctrine designed to insure the prosperity of our military contractors. It promises nothing less than the total military dominance of earth, air, fire, water, space and cyberspace.

Especially space! Doesn’t the idea of a phallic thrust into space set your balls a jangling? We must call this weaponization of space the Chicken Little Initiative, for once we put our testosterone into orbit the sky will surely fall on terrorists, both real and imagined.

Lasers. Mirrors. Sophisticated surveillance equipment. I can see it now: a foggy night, street lamps casting their glow on a rain-slick street. Two terrorists (well, suspected terrorists, or maybe not, but their skin in brown so who gives a fuck?) plotting their plots (or maybe talking about the Yankees, but who cares?) when suddenly a thin red line shoots down from the heavens. There is a blinding flash of light, followed by a puff of acrid smoke. When the smoke clears all that is left of the terrorists (or suspected terrorists or brown skins) are two puddles of ash.

The beauty of the Chicken Little Initiative is that it will never succeed. This means dumping more and more funds down a rat hole in order to guarantee a success that is impossible because it is doomed to failure.

Pork, thy name is Chicken Little. The military-industrial complex is good for another generation or two because Congress still hasn’t mastered a basic rule of poker: You don’t stay in a game with a bad hand simply because you have money in the pot.

The weaponization of space is highly marketable because of the nature of your Global War on Terror. What we are discovering is that it is nearly impossible to decapitate a terrorist organization. If you kill one leader, a pissed off relative steps into fill the void. The only solution is the King Herod Doctrine of aerial bombing: If you don’t know which infant is king, kill all the infants. Raining fire down from space (which we never will because the goddamn system will never work) would facilitate the execution of this doctrine.

Another benefit of the Chicken Little Initiative is that it promotes a healthy mind-set. For the paranoid, all empty space is a threat and must be occupied by a weapons system before someone else gets there first. The demons of Hell work best in a void, so we must fill all voids with our toys. We must weaponize the cracked closet door and the space under the bed where monsters lurk, for everything is an imaginary threat, and our national security demands that we neutralize all potential threats before they can threaten us.

Strike first, George, and strike hard until the space under our beds is free of monsters! And pray to God almighty that we never succeed, because to do so would be our economic ruin.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones


Anonymous said...

Right on! Publish this blog as a book or something, when you feel like it.

Case Wagenvoord said...


Thank you for the kind words. I did publish a book three years ago. I think it's still available on Just type "Belacqua Jones" into the search box.

It really burned up the best-seller list with the 60 copies it sold.

Iago de Otto said...

Well, 55 days to go with Incurious George the Pretzeldent at the helm. I just came from the Amazon page featuring this blog (to George, the former title) as a book, so I guess you took the first comment to heart. Most excellent. Sorry, though, didn't buy it. The credit crunch, you know. But maybe for someone special at Xmas. The letters to Obama maintain the pulse of your advice to those in power so the surprise I encountered at finding a new object of said advice in the new weblog title does not get my socks all up in a crotch bunch nor even my gimme cap, but a surprise it was all the same.


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