How Milo Minderbender will win Iraq for America.

Dear George,

Yossarian is not the real hero of Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. The real hero is that prototypical capitalist, Milo Minderbender. Milo personifies the law of unintended consequences. Heller created Milo as a satirical putdown of capitalism. History has shown us that Heller was a prophet who was describing the future of warfare.

(Sorry, George! Catch-22 is a book, which puts it beyond your reach, so let me summarize briefly. The book is set in Italy during World War II. Milo was an Army mess officer whose dedication to profit transcended patriotism, loyalty and duty. If there was a buck to be made, Milo was there.)

Milo’s finest moment was when he contracted with the Germans to bomb his own airbase. The vision of Milo in the base’s control tower directing German bombers personified capitalism at its very best.

As our Neocons have shown us, yesterday’s make believe is today’s truth. Once again, capitalism is coming to the rescue in Iraq and showing America how wars can be won if only we allow the free market to determine strategy.

The basic rule is simple: If your enemy is kicking your ass, hire him. And that is exactly what we are doing in Iraq. Proudly, we are spending hundreds of millions of dollars to pay the salaries of some 600,000 fighters who have one thing in common: they all want us out of the country.(Okay, so some of them are Kurds who like us, for now. But nothing spoils a good story like facts, as you well know.) Supposedly, these wage earners are charged with restoring order in their respective areas.

One might say that this is a foolish strategy given that the majority of Iraqis believe that the only way to restore order is to kick our asses out. This creates a tactical situation in which we have armed a force three times the size of our force that would like to show us the door.

Those who believe this is a dumb thing to do have little understanding of the intricate complexity of capitalism. As I have said before, Iraq is too important a revenue stream to end. The challenge is to keep it going in the face of increased public opposition. What better way is there to do this than arming the enemy and waiting for him to turn on us?

Believe me, George, as soon as Sunni and Shiite militias began slaughtering our brave young men, America’s patriotic bile will rise to the surface and Iraq will become the media event of the century as we unleash the full force our nuclear vengeance on the country.

We must make of Iraq a barren desert upon which we can create a model state for the entire Middle East to admire and imitate. Hiring our enemies is the easiest way to implement this policy.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones