Saturday, January 26, 2008

Big Sacrifices Yield Big Results

Dear George,

One of the more brilliant insights to come out of your Neocons was the belief that the United States needed another Pearl Harbor to arrest the moral decay that was seeping into the American psyche. There are two possible ways to shore up a nation’s moral propriety: a religious revival or a bloodbath of a war. Neocon thinkers saw little chance for a religious revival, so they wished, really wished, cross their hearts and hope to die, for an orgy of morally uplifting slaughter, which is a hell of a lot more fun than a religious revival.

This is why their hearts leapt when the World Trade Center towers were reduced to rubble. Here was the Pearl Harbor they had been praying for. And, for a while, it seemed to do the trick. America rallied around the flag as we prepared to bomb Third World natives into oblivion.

Alas, the passion didn’t last. I refuse to believe the critics who blame your fucked up handling of the Iraq enterprise for the country’s loss of martial passion. The trouble with 9/11 was that there was no specific country we could zero in on. With the old Pearl Harbor, we had a specific place we could hold responsible. It’s a hell of a lot easier to bomb the shit out of a country than out of a globalized movement. Terrorism was just too abstract to hold the public’s interest for long.

So, it is back to the drawing board as we once again pray for a new Pearl Harbor. Therein lays the problem. We are waiting for another Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, we can no longer afford to passively wait for something to happen. We are staring an economic meltdown in the face, Big Guy. The old Pearl Harbor lifted us out of Great Depression I. The new Pearl Harbor will lift us out of Great Depression II. But, it will require some proactive action on our part.

What I am saying is it is up to you to create the next Pearl Harbor.

What is the main requirement for an effective Pearl Harbor that will rally the nation and keep them rallied. Basically, it is a lot of sunken ships and a lot of dead American sailors. Such a scenario works wonders, as we discovered in the Spanish-American War.

All you have to do is order the carrier task forces in the Persian Gulf to start blowing Iranian speed boats out of the water as fast as they can. An Iranian speedboat buzzing an American naval vessel in Iranian territorial waters is an act of naked aggression that demands a robust® response.

Next, let the air strikes begin! And this time, let’s make them nuclear. We have too much money invested in this weaponry to let it rust.

So, how does this give us our new Pearl Harbor? As one writer explained it, our carrier task forces in the Persian Gulf are sitting ducks. In 2002, the Pentagon played a war game premised on a strike against Iran. In it they discovered that Iran has hundreds of shore-to-ship missiles. Within minutes, our naval ships went to the bottom with the loss of 20,000 crew members.

That is how you rally the American public. Granted, it does seem a tad callous to deliberatly sacrifice 20,000 sailors just to save our economy. However, we must remember that one of the cornerstones of our freedom is the belief that prosperity trumps human life every time, and the corpses resting at the bottom of the Persian Gulf will have the satisfaction of knowing that they died so America could continue consuming.

When the radioactive dust has settled, we will have the oil and an economy risen from the dead. It’s a win-win situation. All it needs is your boldness of vision, and your vision is bold, if not a little twisted. But twisted times demand twisted leaders.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones

4 comments:

jerry gates said...

Belaqua Jones', "Big Sacrifices Yield Big Results" Gives Bush the big green light to let the nukes fly into Iraq and take the hit from ship to shore Iranian missiles which sends 20,000 sailers to javey Jones' locker and heralds the beginning of a new era of collective consuption for United States citizens.

Belaqua Jones understands the true value of sacrifice in twisted times.

After all thats what soldiers are paid to do isn't it ? I mean dieing for ones national right to over consume in times of all out war. These wet corpses will also make a lot of sharks very happy.

I have been searching for such a one as Belaqua Jones whose deep appreciation of the way things really work in the twisted minds of George Bush and Dick Cheney and their neocon friends of Israel.

It takes a village of elitest mental midgets to really envision what good can come from a big catastrophic event. History shows us the contributions of such calamities to the betterment of mankinds elitest cadre of over consumptive, self absorbed men and women with fancy rings.

If I recall the British decimation of China led to the discovery of the cute little dogs the Chinese Empress had been cultivating. Most of them were slaughtered by the British invaders, but a few of these little gems of canine husbandry made it to the lap of the virtuous and tirelessly bored Queen Victoria. From what I understand the entire court of Victoria were quite enamored with these cute little canaines and ended up starting a kind of doggy revolution with led to the breeding of over four hundred new breeds of some of the ugliest and most useless amimals the world has ever seen. Now that progress!

Yes the great sacrifices that lead to really big military conflagrations are well worth it.

Another shining example of human sacrifice that fostered the unbridled prosperity of war can be illuminated in Madeline Albright's eloquent realization that the sanctions against Iran, begun by the visionary Bill Clinton, which led to the deaths and deformation of perhaps a half a million Iraqi children, to the utter horror of their parents, was certainly worth the outcome. After all, we got another great war, with all of the profitable trimmings and can easily see this as the gift that keeps on giving. According to the enlightened one, Dick Cheney, this prosperity for the American elitests may continue on for another fifty years if we play our cards right.

In keeping with the eloquence and wisdom of Belaqua Jones, I would like to offer what may be a further enhancment of his brilliant scheme to start world war three...

Perhaps a little clandestine nuke or two in Israeli population centers would create just the right sort of backdrop, coupled ,of course ,with a nuclear attack on Iran. Belaqua would certainly appreciate the great strategic opportunity here for the elitests in Paris, London,New York and Riyahd to initiate what might become a world war three of unimaginable proportions with the great benifit to elitists of getting to enjoy their lavish undergroud facities until the fallout clears a bit. One wouldn't have to stretch the mind to far to envision the joys of opening the bunker door after a few years and embark into a brave new world playground for the kings and queens of elitest society.

Belaqua Jones , you are the man, my friend, are you looking for an apprentice? I work Cheap.

Case Wagenvoord said...

Jerry,

Many thanks for your comments and suggestions. It is indeed fun to get inside the twisted, immoral mind of a policy maker and see what kind of nonsense I can come up with. The only problem is that it is a bitch trying to stay ahead of the curve with these people.

Tom Lehrer once said that political satire died the day Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, and there are times I think he was right.

If you haven't read it, I would suggest Niaomi Klein's "Shock Therapy" to see all the creative things that can be done with disaster.

I liked your idea about the missiles, though I still think dead sailors might be more effective.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

muymalgal said...

your letters are brillant but painful. the reality of our situation requires heavy sedation, for only when completly numb, are we able to manically tread these increasingly severe waters. should the waters calm, then we would be forced to recognize the beasts in the mirror. too frightening. so please, can someone pass me that pipe.

Case Wagenvoord said...

It's to the point that any old placebo would do. Anyone got a spare Binkey?